Hilchos Kibbud Av Va’Eim at the Shabbos Table

Topics

• When Parents Come for Shabbos
• Who Washes and Eats First?
• Who Should Make Kiddush?
• Who Makes Hamotzi—and Who Gets the First Piece?
• Kibbud Av in Shul: Entering First and Aliyah Precedence

Transcript

## When Parents Come for Shabbos

I want to discuss a very practical sugya: what happens when parents come to their children's home for Shabbos?

These situations can become surprisingly sensitive. Who sits at the head of the table? Who makes Kiddush? Who washes first? Who gets the challah first?

These are not small questions, because **kibbud av va'eim** often expresses itself precisely in these details.

The halachic guidance I am learning from states that when a father is staying in his son's home—or even when he is simply a guest—it is **min hara'ui**, the proper thing, and the accepted custom, to honor him with the head of the table.

Notice the language: it is presented as the proper form of kavod and the minhag, not necessarily as an absolute chiyuv in every circumstance.

That distinction matters.

If the father genuinely says, “I do not want to sit there; I would rather sit near the grandchildren,” or he is simply more comfortable elsewhere, then there is room to respect what he actually wants.

But if he only declines because he senses that honoring him will cause tension, that is different. The son should not use the father's discomfort as an excuse to avoid giving kavod.

We have to learn how to read the person.

Kavod is not about forcing a ceremonial seat on someone who does not want it. Kavod means understanding what will make the parent feel genuinely respected.

I once heard an explanation attributed to the Gra that helps us understand why these matters become more sensitive with age.

**Kavod is a davar ruchani.** Hashem Himself is called *Kel HaKavod*. When a person is young and physically strong, so much of his identity is bound up with the body and the material world. As he ages, the body weakens and his need for recognition can become more spiritually and emotionally charged.

That is why a person who did not care where he sat thirty years ago may suddenly care very much about his seat in shul or at the table.

We should not mock that sensitivity.

Often, beneath what looks like “stupid kavod” is a deeper fear:

Do I still matter?

Am I still needed?

Do my children still respect me?

That is why, when a father comes for Shabbos, the right thing is generally to place him at the head of the table.

And the same basic sensitivity applies to a father-in-law as well, because there is also a din of kavod toward one's *chamiv*.

If father and father-in-law both arrive together, I am not promising you an easy evening.

But the Torah's demand remains the same: learn how to give kavod intelligently, sensitively, and without turning the Shabbos table into a competition.

## Who Washes and Eats First?

Once the father is sitting at the head of the table, another set of questions begins.

Who washes first?

The guidance brought here is that the father should be given precedence.

Ordinarily, we do not necessarily structure netilas yadayim around kavod in the same way as other honors. But a father is different. Let him go first.

The same applies to the foods placed on the table.

If fruit, sweets, or other dishes are being passed around, the father should generally receive first.

And there is a further point of derech eretz: the children should not rush to begin eating while the father is still waiting to be served.

I grew up with an even stronger practice: we did not begin until our parents actually began eating.

The sefer I am reading phrases it more moderately—that the children should wait until the food is brought to the father—but the underlying idea is the same:

**Do not make your parent feel secondary at your own table.**

Then comes an interesting distinction regarding the mother.

The source says that one need not necessarily be equally strict about waiting for the mother.

Why?

Because, very often, the mother's own happiness is to see her children eating.

**Ha'ima oheves k'shehabanim ochlim.**

A mother says, “Eat, eat, eat.”

If her own ratzon is that the children should eat, then allowing them to do so may itself be honoring her.

I once heard a beautiful story that brings this point alive.

A Lelover Rebbe was once davening at Kever Rachel and saw a Sephardic family making a lively seudah there. There was eating, drinking, noise, and celebration.

The Rebbe approached the head of the family and told him: this is Kever Rachel. If you want to make a party, there are other places.

A few minutes later, the man returned and said:

“Rebbe, you are right. But the Rebbe should understand something: **this is exactly the right place. A mother is happy when her children eat.**”

Rachel Imeinu is the mother of Klal Yisrael.

The Rebbe was so moved by that thought that, according to the story, he later adopted a practice of making a seudas Rosh Chodesh at Kever Rachel.

Whether or not every detail of the story is exact, the yesod is beautiful.

Kibbud av va'eim is not a mechanical list of honors.

It requires knowing what gives the parent nachas.

Sometimes kavod means waiting.

Sometimes kavod means letting the mother watch her children eat.

## Who Should Make Kiddush?

Now we come to one of the most common questions.

When a father comes for Shabbos or Yom Tov, who should make Kiddush?

The source I am learning from says:

**Min hara'ui sheyechabed aviv l'kadesh al hayayin.**

It is proper to honor the father with Kiddush.

That is the starting point.

But the mitzvah still has to be fulfilled properly.

What if the father does not know that he must have kavannah to be motzi the people listening?

Then teach him.

Before Kiddush, explain gently:

“Please have us in mind.”

That is simple.

But what if the father genuinely cannot say the brachah properly? He swallows words, mispronounces badly, or cannot recite the Kiddush in a way that allows the listeners to be yotzei?

Then the calculation changes.

Kibbud av va'eim does not mean sacrificing the mitzvah itself.

If the father can make Kiddush adequately—even if it is not elegant, polished, or musically beautiful—then let him do it.

Who cares if it is not impressive?

The mitzvah of kibbud av may be far more important than producing the most aesthetically perfect Kiddush.

But if there is a real concern that people will not be yotzei, the baal habayis may have to make Kiddush himself.

That is an important balance.

Do not use “kibbud av” to invalidate a mitzvah.

But do not use “I can do it better” as an excuse to embarrass your father.

There is often a middle path.

Teach him.

Prepare him.

Help him.

And if, l'maaseh, you must take over, do it diplomatically.

The Torah does not give us a script for every family personality.

You have to know how to preserve both the mitzvah and the father's dignity.

Sometimes people suggest that everyone should say the words together.

That itself raises questions, especially when one person is holding the kos and others are reciting.

In certain circumstances that may work at least b'dieved, but the practical details require care.

The central point for our purposes is:

**Honor the father wherever possible—but not at the expense of the validity of Kiddush.**

## Who Makes Hamotzi—and Who Gets the First Piece?

After Kiddush comes another delicate question:

Who makes **Hamotzi**?

There is an opinion that the **baal habayis** should be the one to break the bread, because he is the one expected to give generously to the people at his table.

That creates an interesting contrast.

For Kiddush, I may honor my father.

For Hamotzi, the baal habayis may have a special role.

But there are those who argue that in our circumstances this reason is weaker. We are generally not rationing bread; there is plenty on the table. If so, why not once again honor the father and let him make Hamotzi?

So, l'maaseh, there are different approaches, and the exact source and practical psak should be checked carefully.

The underlying principle is still the same:

whenever the mitzvah can be fulfilled properly, honor the father where appropriate.

But then we reach an even more sensitive question:

**Who gets the first piece?**

There is a minhag, rooted in kabbalistic practice, that the husband takes a **kezayis** for himself and gives his wife a **kebeitzah**.

The message is simple even before we understand the sod:

give your wife more, not less.

And according to the source being quoted, even if an important talmid chacham or a gadol is sitting at the table, the wife still receives first.

That can become sensitive when the father is present.

So what do we do?

The source assumes that a father will generally be **moichel**, because this is the established minhag.

Still, it is proper to say something explicitly:

“Tatty, please forgive me; this is the minhag I follow, so I give my wife first.”

That one sentence can prevent an entire Shabbos table from becoming tense.

Again, the Torah is not only teaching precedence.

It is teaching **how to carry precedence without humiliating anyone**.

There are also diplomatic solutions.

Sometimes the portions can be distributed almost together.

Sometimes the father genuinely does not care.

Sometimes the situation requires extra sensitivity.

And there is another beautiful tension here.

Rav Pam is quoted as saying that although halachically the baal habayis may have precedence in certain situations, he personally found it difficult not to honor a guest first.

That is the influence of Avraham Avinu's hachnasas orchim.

Halachah establishes structures.

A refined person then learns how to fill those structures with generosity.

The point is never to weaponize the order of precedence.

The point is to make everyone at the table feel honored while still doing the mitzvah correctly.

## Kibbud Av in Shul: Entering First and Aliyah Precedence

These questions continue even after the meal.

There is a ma'alah to being among the first to enter the beis haknesses.

Suppose I am walking in together with my father.

Should I rush ahead in order to gain that ma'alah?

The halachic direction brought here is no.

The kavod of one's father comes first.

The same type of consideration can extend to an older brother or a father-in-law where there is a recognized obligation of kavod.

So even where I am losing a personal spiritual advantage, I may need to say:

**B'kavod—please go first.**

Now let us come to one of the most dangerous practical scenarios:

the shul is selling aliyos, and my father begins bidding.

May I bid against him?

One view says yes.

The son is also pursuing a mitzvah, and there is no automatic prohibition of kibbud av in this setting.

But another view disagrees.

To publicly outbid one's father may itself be a lack of kavod.

Even if the technical halachah allows it, the optics and the relationship matter.

My personal advice?

Do not go looking for unnecessary wars with your father over an aliyah.

There are enough aliyos in Jewish history.

Then there is another question.

Suppose the father receives **shlishi**.

Should the son afterward receive **shishi**, which many communities regard as a more prestigious aliyah?

The source suggests that one should be careful not to create the appearance that the son has been given a more distinguished honor than his father.

If called, it may be proper to first ask the father's reshus.

But if the aliyos were sold and the distinction is not being assigned because of personal chashivus—one simply purchased the aliyah—there may be less reason for concern.

All of these details point to one broad yesod.

Kibbud av va'eim is not confined to dramatic acts.

It lives in small decisions:

where a father sits,

who goes first,

who is served first,

who makes Kiddush,

who makes Hamotzi,

who receives the more visible honor.

And because these details touch people's dignity, they can create far more pain than their objective size would suggest.

The avodah is to know the halachah and then apply it with **seichel, diplomacy, and rachmanus**.

Sometimes the technically correct act can still be done badly.

The goal is not only to be right.

The goal is to make the parent feel honored.