Chinuch: Don't Talk Down, Don't Talk Above—Talk to the Child

Topics

• Chinuch: Don't Talk Down, Don't Talk Above—Talk to the Child
• "Emor El HaKohanim Bnei Aharon"
• The Art of Tochachah
• First Lesson: The Gedolim Must Lead by Example
• Second Lesson: Lift the Child Instead of Putting Him Down
• Rashi: "Kacham B'Devarim"
• Why Is This So Important Specifically for Kohanim?
• The Torah's Language at Matan Torah
• HaKesav VeHaKabbalah: Amirah Can Mean Elevation
• "Hocheach Tochiach ... V'lo Sisa Alav Chet"
• The Sin Must Not Become Bigger Than the Person
• Third Lesson: Don't Make the Person Defend Himself
• A Story From My Yeshiva
• Fourth Lesson: Don't Talk Above the Child—Talk to Him
• The Seder Night: Speaking Into the Ear of Your Child
• Rashi on Vayigash: "Yikansu Devarai B'Oznecha"
• Repetition Is Part of Chinuch
• Fifth Lesson: Repeated Tochachah With the Same Gentleness
• "Emor"—The Words Must Remain Gentle Even After Repetition
• A Heart-to-Heart Connection

Transcript

# Chinuch: Don't Talk Down, Don't Talk Above—Talk to the Child

## "Emor El HaKohanim Bnei Aharon"

Rabosai, I want to begin with a pasuk at the beginning of **Parashas Emor**:

**"ויאמר ה' אל משה אמר אל הכהנים בני אהרן ואמרת אלהם לנפש לא יטמא בעמיו"** (Vayikra 21:1).

Hashem tells Moshe to speak to the Kohanim, the sons of Aharon, about the prohibition of becoming tamei through contact with a dead body.

But I want you to notice the **unusual wording**. Throughout the Torah, when Moshe is told to instruct Aharon concerning the halachos of kehunah, we often find language such as **"דבר אל אהרן"**. Here it does not say that. It says **"אמר אל הכהנים בני אהרן"**—say to the Kohanim, the sons of Aharon.

And then, as though that were not enough, it says **"ואמרת אלהם"**. Why the repetition? Hasn't the Torah already told him to speak to the Kohanim?

**Rashi** quotes Chazal: **"אמור ואמרת – להזהיר גדולים על הקטנים."** The Torah uses the doubled language to instruct the **gedolim** concerning the **ketanim**, the older Kohanim regarding the younger ones (Rashi to Vayikra 21:1; see Yevamos 114a).

There is another way to develop the wording which I saw attributed in the discussion to the **Rosh**. The expression **"הכהנים בני אהרן"** itself may suggest that the command is not only to Aharon as an individual but reaches **the sons of Aharon**, including the younger members of the priestly family. [The exact Rosh commentary or halachic text cited in the audio requires verification.]

Either way, the wording of our pasuk is unusual, and the Torah is emphasizing a relationship between **the adults and the children**.

And I want to suggest something. Perhaps the pasuk is not only teaching **that** the gedolim must concern themselves with the ketanim, but **how** to do it.

There is a mitzvah of **chinuch**, and there is the specific warning concerning the Kohanim and tumah. These are not automatically identical halachic obligations. The laws of *chinuch* generally have their own rabbinic framework, while the verse here is expounded by Chazal concerning the conduct of adults toward minors in particular prohibitions. [The Ramban on Vayikra 21:1 discusses the limits of that specific warning.]

But the lesson for our avodas Hashem reaches much further.

How do you **teach a child**? How do you help a younger person live with kedushah? How does an adult give **mussar**, **tochachah**, and **hadrachah** so that the child wants to listen?

That is an extraordinary **chachmah**. Not everyone who has something true to say knows how to say it in a way the other person can hear.

I want to learn several lessons from the words **"אמור אל הכהנים בני אהרן ואמרת אלהם."**

We cannot simply stand over a child and issue commands. A child has a heart; a child has a sense of self; a child is a person whom we want to raise up. The way we talk to him may determine whether he grows toward Torah or turns away from the message.

Let's see what Chazal tell us about how difficult real tochachah can be.

## The Art of Tochachah

The Gemara in **Arachin 16b** brings a remarkable statement from **Rabbi Elazar ben Azaryah**:

**"תמיהני אם יש בדור הזה שיודע להוכיח."**

I wonder whether there is anyone in this generation who knows how to rebuke properly.

Imagine! Already in the days of those great Tannaim, Rabbi Elazar ben Azaryah wondered whether people truly knew how to give tochachah.

What does that tell you? That to rebuke someone is not simply to point out an error and say, "You're wrong!" There is a tremendous **art** to it. There is a *chachmah*, an ability to reach the other person's heart.

The **Chazon Ish**, when discussing how we relate to Jews who have not been properly instructed in Torah and mitzvos, gives considerable weight to whether the person has ever received genuine guidance and tochachah. In the broader halachic discussion of a **tinok shenishba**, ignorance and lack of proper instruction are not simply dismissed as willful rebellion. [The exact Chazon Ish location and the limits of this comparison need checking.]

Think of the difference between **rebuking** a person and truly **being mechanech** him.

One person shouts, "You must do this! You must not do that!" He is sure he has fulfilled his obligation because the words came out of his mouth.

But did they enter the other person's **heart**? Did they make him want to be better? Did they show him a path he can actually follow?

That is the chachmah of chinuch, and I believe it is contained in our pasuk.

## First Lesson: The Gedolim Must Lead by Example

There are sefarim that bring a wonderful reading of **"להזהיר גדולים על הקטנים"**.

Perhaps the first responsibility of the gedolim is not only to tell the ketanim what to do. It is that **the gedolim themselves must behave correctly**. Their zehirus, their own careful observance, becomes the greatest chinuch for the ketanim.

That's a tremendous yesod.

A father wants his child to have **ahavas HaTorah**. The most powerful way to teach it is for the child to see that Torah is precious to his father.

A father wants a child to have **dikduk hamitzvos**, to care about every detail of a mitzvah. Let the child see his father's own care and joy in mitzvos.

No amount of speeches can replace the effect of an authentic **example**.

You know how it is. A father is talking during davening in shul. Then he looks at his young son and says, **"Shh! Don't speak in shul!"**

*Vos vilstu fun kind?* What do you expect from the child?

The boy sees how the father actually behaves. If the father's example contradicts his words, the tochachah may have no positive effect. It could even have the opposite effect: the child may think that the father doesn't really believe the message himself.

This is why *lehazhir gedolim al haktanim* can be understood as a reminder that the **behavior of the adult** is part of the child's chinuch.

The Kohen has to live with **kedushas kehunah**. He cannot merely say to the young Kohen, "Remember that you are a Kohen," while he himself acts carelessly.

When the young Kohen sees the adult Kohen preserving his kedushah, the lesson becomes real. It becomes part of the environment in which he is being raised.

And the same is true in every Jewish home. Children learn from the things we say, certainly. But even more, they learn from **the way we live**.

That is the first lesson I want you to take from the parashah: **the greatest chinuch is the chinuch of personal example**.

Now let's go further. It isn't enough that our example is right. Even when we speak to the child, **how should we speak?**

## Second Lesson: Lift the Child Instead of Putting Him Down

Here is the next yesod, rabosai, and I feel very strongly about it.

When you speak to a child, **speak positively**. Speak in a way that lifts him up. **Don't talk down to him**.

Look at the pasuk again: **"אמור אל הכהנים בני אהרן."** Tell the Kohanim, **Bnei Aharon**.

Why call them *Bnei Aharon*? Of course they are the sons of Aharon! But perhaps the Torah is teaching us how to speak to them.

**Tell them who they are!**

You are **Bnei Aharon**. You come from Aharon HaKohen. You have a tremendous zechus, a beautiful lineage, a special kedushah and responsibility.

Don't approach the young Kohen by saying only: "Don't do this! Don't do that! Look how much you are forbidden to do!"

Tell him: **You have the zechus to be a Kohen. You are on a special madreigah. You belong to something beautiful.**

*Ufheiben!* Lift him up.

And this is true in every Jewish home. When you speak to a Yiddishe child, help him see the **greatness of being a Yid**. Tell him he is precious, capable of extraordinary things, and that Torah and mitzvos are a **zechus**, a privilege, not merely a burden.

When a child feels only that Yiddishkeit is a list of things he is forced to do, you have not yet taught him to love his avodah.

## Rashi: "Kacham B'Devarim"

There is a beautiful parallel regarding the **Levi'im**, in **Bamidbar 8:6**:

**"קח את הלוים מתוך בני ישראל וטהרת אתם"**—take the Levi'im from among the children of Israel and purify them.

Rashi asks what it means to **take** them. You don't pick up a person and carry him like an object. Rashi says:

**"קחם בדברים, אשריכם שתזכו להיות שמשים למקום."**

Take them with **words**. Tell them: *Ashreichem!* How fortunate you are to merit becoming servants of the Ribbono Shel Olam!

Do you hear the language? You are not saying, "You're being taken away from the rest of the people, and now you have more responsibilities and less freedom."

You are saying: **"Ashreichem! What a privilege you have!"**

That is how Hashem instructed Moshe to bring the Levi'im toward a higher avodah. Through words that raise them.

So why should the Kohanim be any different? When you tell them they are **Bnei Aharon**, you are giving them a sense of the greatness that comes with kedushas kehunah.

### Why Is This So Important Specifically for Kohanim?

I remember seeing a beautiful thought attributed to **Rav Zalman Sorotzkin**, zichrono livrachah.

He asks: there are so many mitzvos which adults must teach or help children observe. Why is **"lehazhir gedolim al haktanim"** emphasized here, in the parashah of **tumas Kohen**?

The answer brings out the special character of **kedushas kehunah**. A Kohen's status sets him apart. He has a higher level of kedushah in certain matters, but that also means he must avoid things which may be ordinary and permitted for other people.

Now imagine trying to teach a child that he must be **different** from his friends. If all he hears is, "You may not do that, and they may," he might grow resentful.

How should you teach him? Say: **"Look at the zechus you have! You are a Kohen. You have been given a special madreigah. Not everyone has that privilege."**

The limitation is presented through the dignity and greatness of the calling. [The precise printed source of Rav Sorotzkin's comment requires verification; the thought is preserved as Rabbi Walkin attributes it.]

That's exactly how we need to approach our own children when we want them to become **bnei Torah** and to live with kedushah in a world that often values other things.

We cannot merely say, "The whole world is doing this, but you may not." We have to help the child understand: **"You are zocheh to live a different kind of life. There is beauty in Torah, and you are privileged to be part of it."**

This is how to **inspire** a child rather than break his spirit.

But there's more. The Torah does not stop with **"emor el haKohanim bnei Aharon."** It adds **"v'amarta aleihem."** Perhaps that word teaches us another aspect of how to lift the person we are trying to guide.

## The Torah's Language at Matan Torah

Rabosai, the same way that the Torah speaks about the greatness of the Kohanim and the Levi'im, the Ribbono Shel Olam spoke to **Klal Yisrael** before Matan Torah.

Look at the pesukim in **Shemos 19:5–6**:

**"והייתם לי סגלה מכל העמים ... ואתם תהיו לי ממלכת כהנים וגוי קדוש."**

You will be My treasured people among all the nations; you will be a kingdom of Kohanim and a holy nation.

What are these words doing?

Hashem is telling Klal Yisrael that He wants them to live a different kind of life, a life of Torah. But He does not begin simply by enumerating difficult restrictions. He tells them **what a zechus it is**. You are precious. You are chosen for a holy mission.

That is a model for chinuch. If we want our children to live a life of Torah and kedushah, we should show them the **beauty of that life**. Give them something to aspire to. Make the mitzvos something they are proud to fulfill.

But if a child experiences Torah as a constant burden and is repeatedly berated by the adult who is supposedly teaching him, it becomes much harder for those beautiful words to enter his heart.

So now I want to return to our original question. The pasuk says **"אמור אל הכהנים בני אהרן ואמרת אלהם."** We understand Rashi's use of the double language for **lehazhir gedolim al haktanim**.

But if we develop the warning already from **"הכהנים בני אהרן"**, what is the purpose of **"ואמרת אלהם"**? Why is that extra phrase there?

## HaKesav VeHaKabbalah: Amirah Can Mean Elevation

I saw something extraordinary in **HaKesav VeHaKabbalah** on **Vayikra 21:1**.

We normally understand **"אמירה"** simply as saying something. But he shows that related forms of the word can have the meaning of **exalting, raising, or elevating**.

Think of the expression in **Devarim 26:17–18**, **"את ה' האמרת היום ... וה' האמירך היום"**. The verses describe Klal Yisrael affirming the special greatness of Hashem, and Hashem elevating Klal Yisrael to be His treasured people.

HaKesav VeHaKabbalah connects these words to a language of **romemus**, elevation, rather than only verbal speech.

So perhaps **"אמור אל הכהנים בני אהרן"** is not simply telling Moshe to deliver information. It means: **raise the young Bnei Aharon to their status as Kohanim**. Show them what a remarkable level of kedushah they possess.

And **"ואמרת אלהם"** then explains the specific warning about tumah that belongs to that elevated status.

That is his fascinating way of reading the pasuk. And for our chinuch discussion, I want to bring out the lesson:

**When you speak to another person about Torah, your words should raise him.**

Don't simply speak at him. Don't simply instruct him. You want to help him become a better person. Speak in a way that makes him see his dignity, potential and kedushah.

*Heib im oif!* Lift him up.

Now let's connect that to another pasuk about **tochachah**, and I believe we'll see the same yesod in a very powerful way.

## "Hocheach Tochiach ... V'lo Sisa Alav Chet"

The Torah says in **Vayikra 19:17**:

**"לא תשנא את אחיך בלבבך הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך ולא תשא עליו חטא."**

You must not hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your fellow, and you shall not bear sin because of him.

Chazal explain that the obligation of rebuke does not allow a person to **embarrass** the other individual. As the Gemara says in **Arachin 16b**, even where rebuke is required, one must not humiliate someone until his face changes.

Now think about another possibility in the wording. A person may think he is doing something wonderful because he is rebuking a sinner. But if he gives the tochachah in the **wrong way**, humiliating or crushing the individual, he may himself be doing an aveirah.

You may believe you are helping, while in truth you are doing **more damage than good**.

There is a way to speak and a way not to speak. We have to keep the person's dignity at the center of the message.

And the word **"עמיתך"**, your fellow, suggests someone standing **together with you**—someone whose inner world you should not dismiss. [This connection to *imach*, together with you, is a homiletic suggestion preserved from the shiur, not a verified linguistic derivation of the word.]

So I want to propose another *remez*: when you give tochachah, don't **lift up the aveirah** and make the person small. **Lift the person above the aveirah.**

Perhaps that is a deeper way to hear the warning **"ולא תשא עליו חטא"**: don't make the sin the most important thing about the person you are trying to correct.

Tell him: **"You are much bigger than this action. This isn't who you are."**

That is the power of *v'amarta aleihem*: words that elevate rather than crush.

## The Sin Must Not Become Bigger Than the Person

I want to tell you how my **Bubby Leah**, aleha hashalom, used to talk to us. She grew up in **Radin**, and she carried with her something of the way great Yidden spoke to children.

If a boy did something he shouldn't have done, she didn't begin by humiliating him.

She would say, in that warm Yiddishe way, **"Past doch nisht! Bist doch aza guter!"**

It doesn't suit you! You're such a good boy! You're such a chashuve person!

Do you see what she was doing? She was taking the **person** and lifting him above the **mistake**.

She was telling him that the wrong behavior was beneath his level. A boy with such goodness, such value and such potential shouldn't be involved in something like this.

Compare that with the opposite approach. An adult says, "How could **you** do such a terrible aveirah? What's wrong with you? Look what you are!"

What have you done? You have made the **aveirah** enormous and pushed the **person** down beneath it.

That isn't what you want. You want him to feel: **"I am better than this. This is a ma'aseh katnus. It doesn't suit who I really am."**

So perhaps the pasuk **"הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך ולא תשא עליו חטא"** can be understood as a beautiful *remez*: don't raise the chet above the person. **Raise the person above the chet**.

I am not saying that the aveirah doesn't matter. Certainly it matters. And the child must be guided to stop doing it. But if you want the chinuch to succeed, your words should help him recognize his own higher self.

That is why we said **"Emor el haKohanim Bnei Aharon."** Tell him he is a child of Aharon. Tell him of the kedushah in which he is privileged to participate. Don't make all the emphasis the mistake. Make the emphasis his capacity to live according to his own greatness.

## Third Lesson: Don't Make the Person Defend Himself

Now I want to bring a beautiful thought from the **Noam Elimelech**. He teaches a very subtle idea about giving mussar.

When a person feels that you are **attacking him**, he stops listening. Immediately, he begins to protect himself. The guards go up. His entire energy goes into defending his dignity and his good name.

And once those guards are up, how are your words going to enter him?

You may be speaking the greatest truth in the world, but you haven't reached the person.

So how should you speak? The Noam Elimelech is quoted in this shiur as suggesting that sometimes the right approach is to speak **in general**, not to address the individual directly.

Don't single him out with, "You did this; you are the problem!" Instead, speak about the **middah** or the **conduct**. Perhaps say, "This is something all of us should work on."

And if you can genuinely include yourself in the mussar, so much the better. The great **mashgichim** and baalei mussar sometimes spoke as though they were addressing **themselves**: *Ich red tzu zich.* I'm talking to myself. If you would like to listen and learn together with me, you're welcome.

That removes the feeling of an accusation.

The purpose isn't to deceive the person or shame him secretly in front of the group. The purpose is to create an atmosphere in which he can **hear the lesson without feeling personally attacked**.

### A Story From My Yeshiva

I had a very funny experience when I first started the yeshivah. Naturally, there were things that needed correcting. A Rosh Yeshiva has to give shmuessen. There were sometimes individual behaviors that I felt needed a change.

I already understood that if I stood in front of a particular bachur and said, "You did this wrong!" it could become a big, painful confrontation.

So I decided: I'll give a **general shmuess to the entire yeshivah**. I'll speak about the issue, but I won't single out the person I have in mind.

I gave the shmuess. In my mind, the whole thing was intended to help **one particular boy**.

Afterward that very boy walked up to me and said, with great admiration, **"Rosh Yeshiva, how did you know so quickly what my friend needs? He just arrived at the yeshivah, and already you're giving him exactly the right chizuk!"**

I looked at him and thought: **I wasn't talking about your friend. I was talking about you!**

Can you imagine? The fellow heard the whole shmuess, but his first thought was about somebody else who needed to hear it.

So you see that talking in general can sometimes prevent hurt, but it may also mean the intended person doesn't recognize the message at all!

We have to hold two ideas together: **do not humiliate the person**, and **make sure he can actually hear the mussar**.

That's why the pasuk's wording is so beautiful. **"V'amarta aleihem"**—you still have to speak **to them**. The words must actually reach the people they are meant to guide.

We are going to explore that difference now, because it is the heart of our title: don't talk down to a person, but don't talk **over** him either.

## Fourth Lesson: Don't Talk Above the Child—Talk to Him

Now here's the next lesson. We said that a child must not feel that the adult is **talking down** to him, humiliating him or destroying his dignity.

But there is another mistake, and it is just as common: **talking above him**.

How many times does a father sit down and speak at great length, giving a beautiful Torah thought or an elaborate explanation, while the child is simply not able to follow? The father feels he has been mechanech; the child hasn't heard a word that belongs to his world.

You have to ask: **Did I actually talk to the child?**

The Torah says **"ואמרת אלהם"**. Speak **to them**. Don't merely talk near them. Don't talk over their heads. Don't give a shmuess that was perfect for a room of talmidei chachamim but has no connection to the boy sitting in front of you.

You need to reach the child's **level**, his language, his experience and his heart.

### The Seder Night: Speaking Into the Ear of Your Child

Look at the mitzvah of speaking about **Yetzias Mitzrayim** to our children.

The Torah uses the expression **"באזני בנך ובן בנך"**—in the ears of your son and grandson (Shemos 10:2). Why emphasize the **ears**?

Where else do you speak? With your mouth into a person's ears, of course!

But perhaps the Torah is saying something tremendous. You can sit at the Pesach Seder and speak the whole night, giving beautiful *drushim*, gematriyos and fascinating explanations of the Haggadah.

But if your **child** does not understand a word of what you're saying, **did you speak b'oznei bincha**? Did the message actually enter his ears?

It may have been a gevaldige vort. It may have been a beautiful shiur. But what did the child take away? What did it mean to him?

You have to **speak so that your words enter his mind and heart**. That's why the Torah tells us to address the child.

### Rashi on Vayigash: "Yikansu Devarai B'Oznecha"

The same language appears in **Parashas Vayigash**.

Yehudah approaches Yosef and says:

**"בי אדני ידבר נא עבדך דבר באזני אדני"** (Bereishis 44:18).

Let your servant speak a word **in the ears of my master**.

Rashi explains: **"יכנסו דברי באזניך"**—may my words **enter your ears**.

Do you hear the language? It is not enough that I say something while the other person happens to be present. The words have to **go in**. They need to be heard and received.

Now connect that with our pasuk. **"ואמרת אלהם."** Say it **to them**. Arrange your words in a way that reaches the actual person in front of you.

This is the art of **chinuch**. This is the art of **tochachah**. And this is the art of speaking to anybody you want to influence.

So you need both sides of the balance.

**Don't talk down to him**: don't humiliate him, don't make him feel small, don't make the aveirah bigger than the person.

But also **don't talk above him**: don't fill the room with words beyond his understanding and pretend that he has been taught.

**Talk to him.** Make a connection. Let him know you are talking to him because you care about him, and let the words be understandable to him.

That's the true meaning of communication. A person can talk for an hour without connecting, and another person can say a few sincere words that reach straight into the heart.

And perhaps the same wording of the parashah teaches one more lesson. The Torah does not merely say **"emor"**. It says **"emor ... v'amarta"**, a repetition. Why tell us to say it **again**?

Because chinuch does not happen through one speech alone.

## Repetition Is Part of Chinuch

The Midrash speaks about the repeated language **"emor v'amarta"**, and there are teachings comparing people with malachim: a malach may receive his command once, but human beings must be taught again and again. [The exact Midrash passage and formulation need source verification.]

And I heard an interpretation attributed to the **Kotzker Rebbe** relating the repeated command to **lehazhir gedolim al haktanim**. Even those of great spiritual stature need repeated guidance; how much more so those at a lower level or younger in their avodah.

The point is that a parent cannot assume that because he told his child once, **the chinuch is finished**.

We will bring out the need for repetition in the words of Chazal and then take the whole lesson together.

## Fifth Lesson: Repeated Tochachah With the Same Gentleness

The **Kotzker Rebbe** is quoted as bringing out another understanding of **"lehazhir gedolim al haktanim."**

Even a **Kohen**, a person already on a high level of kedushah, needs to hear an instruction again and again. The Torah says **"emor ... v'amarta"**, not merely one brief warning.

Now if the gedolim, those on a higher madreigah, need repeated reminders, **kal vachomer** that children and people who are still growing in their avodas Hashem need constant guidance and chizuk.

The Gemara says in **Bava Metzia 31a** that the words **"הוכח תוכיח"** imply an obligation to offer rebuke **even a hundred times** in the appropriate circumstances: **"הוכח אפילו מאה פעמים משמע."**

Don't say, **"I spoke to him already! I tried. I explained it once, and he didn't listen, so I'm finished!"**

That is not how **chinuch** works.

A child needs patience. You may have to speak today, and again tomorrow, and again next week. You may have to explain the same point in slightly different words, because the child is not necessarily ready to receive it on the first occasion.

But there is something more subtle. And for a parent, I think it is one of the most difficult parts of the whole avodah.

### "Emor"—The Words Must Remain Gentle Even After Repetition

Chazal distinguish between **dibur** and **amirah** in particular contexts: *dibur* can suggest **a firmer or harsher form of speech**, while *amirah* can suggest **a gentler approach**.

Remember our original kashya. Why doesn't the pasuk say **"Daber el Aharon"** the way many other passages do? Why does it say **"Emor"**, and then again **"v'amarta"**?

Perhaps because this parashah isn't only teaching us a rule of tumah. It is showing us **how to be mechanech**.

When you speak to a child, the first time you might be patient and gentle. You sit down, smile, explain the matter carefully, and say it in a pleasant way.

But then he does the same thing again.

You speak to him a second time, and now the words become sharper. A little frustration begins to creep into your voice.

And the third time? *Oy gevalt!* The parent is upset. He says, "How many times do I have to tell you this? Don't you ever listen?"

Rabosai, if that frustration is ringing in your words, the child hears it. Even if the actual words are correct, the feeling behind them is very different.

You may be saying **mussar**, but the child hears **anger**, **hurt**, or **disappointment**.

And when the child is defending himself from the frustration, how much of the message can enter his heart?

That is why I think the pasuk is so beautiful. **"Emor ... v'amarta."** Say it gently, and when you have to say it again, **say it gently again**.

The first *amirah* was *rakah*, soft. The second *amirah* must also be *rakah*. And the third time, and the fourth time, the whole tone of your chinuch should still be built on patience, warmth and genuine concern.

This is an enormous **avodah in parenthood**. It is not easy. But it is precisely what the child needs if we want him to grow rather than feel pushed away.

### A Heart-to-Heart Connection

Now bring all the lessons together.

There is a famous expression: **"דברים היוצאים מן הלב נכנסים אל הלב"**—words that come from the heart enter the heart. [The exact earliest source of this expression is not established here; preserve it as a traditional saying rather than inventing an attribution.]

A parent must speak to a child **from the heart**. He has to mean what he says, live by what he says, and speak in a way that the child can actually hear.

The navi speaks about the future redemption in **Malachi 3:24**:

**"והשיב לב אבות על בנים ולב בנים על אבותם."**

He will turn the hearts of fathers toward their children, and the hearts of children toward their fathers.

Notice the word **lev**. The relationship is not only verbal. The hearts must turn toward each other.

As a Rosh Yeshiva, I sometimes hear about the way parents and children speak to one another. One is talking, the other is speaking at the same time. They're talking **past** each other. One is lecturing; the other has withdrawn. There may be plenty of words and very little actual connection.

That is not what we want.

We want **a heart-to-heart conversation**. A father who can speak to his child, and a child who feels able to speak to his father. A relationship in which guidance can be received because the child knows he is valued, respected and loved.

That is how **"lehazhir gedolim al haktanim"** can truly succeed.

The gedolim must **lead by example**. They must **lift the child**, not humiliate him. They must **protect his dignity**, and when possible give mussar without making him feel attacked. They must **speak at a level he can understand**, and they must do it **repeatedly with patience and gentle words**.

*Emor el haKohanim Bnei Aharon, v'amarta aleihem.*

**Don't talk down to the child. Don't talk above the child. Talk to the child.**

And when you speak to him with your heart, the words can enter his heart.

That is the chachmah of chinuch.