Ki Seitzei and the Milchemes HaYetzer of Elul

Topics

• Parashas Ki Seitzei and Yefas Toar
• Kosher Substitutes for Treif Foods
• Shmiras Einayim and the Torah’s Approach
• Who Went to War
• The Question of Yefas Toar
• A Purim Play in the Yeshiva
• How Can the Torah Permit Yefas Toar?
• Wartime and Human Weakness
• Yefat To’ar and the Month of Elul
• Shivyo and the Yefat To’ar
• Gerim and the Erev Rav
• A True Ger
• Captivity and the Meaning of the Verse
• “To War” and “The War”
• Milchemet HaYetzer
• Siyata d’Shmaya in the struggle with the yetzer hara
• U’vacharta et avivah v’et imah
• The Kli Yakar on avilut and teshuvah
• Pardes Yosef: Yosef’s berachah at the pit
• A Different Road on the Way Back
• The Kli Yakar on Understanding Loss
• Elul and Returning to the Father
• Ani Le-Dodi and Shir HaShirim
• The Request and the Missed Appointment
• The Chafetz Chaim's Mashal
• Elul, Teshuvah, and the Cry of the Neshamah
• The Difficulty of Teshuvah
• Torah, Teshuvah, and Korban
• Hashem's Teshuvah and the Father's Mercy
• Moshe Rabbeinu in Devarim
• Zichruyot: Pshat and Teshuvah
• B’yifat To’ar and Ben Sorer U’moreh
• The Lesson of the Parashah
• Why the Ben Sorer U’moreh Is Judged
• The Ben Sorer U’morer and Judgment in the Present
• Tashlich and the Idea of Renewal
• Hearing Change and the Possibility of Teshuvah

Transcript

# Parashas Ki Seitzei and Yefas Toar

This Torah class is brought to you by TorahAnytime.com.

This week’s parashah is Ki Seitzei: “Ki seitzei lamilchamah al oyvecha, unesano Hashem Elokecha beyadecha veshavisa shivyo” — if you go out to war against your enemy, Hashem will give him into your hand, and you will be successful. There are captives from the war, “veshavisa shivyo,” and then the pasuk continues that you see “eshes yefas toar,” a gentile woman among the captives. You take her into your house, “lechashakta bah, velakachta lecha le’ishah” — you desire her and want her as a wife.

So the Torah tells us the rules. You have to bring her into your house, “ugilcha es roshah,” shave her head, and let her nails grow long. Chazal say the reason is “kedei lenavlah,” to make her look disgusting. You walk in and she has no hair and long nails; she does not look pretty. This is meant to push the person away, so that he should not want her. And yet, if after thirty days he still wants her, then he may take her as a wife.

One of the rules is, “u’vachta es aviah ve’es imah yerach yamim” — she cries for her father and mother for thirty days. This is the din of parashas yefas toar: yefas, pretty; toar, her appearance.

Of course, the question is: why does the Torah permit taking such a wife? She is a captive from the goyim. There is a simple answer that the Chachamim give: if we do not permit it, the person will do it anyway. So the Torah says, in effect, we will permit it with rules and regulations, and then he can take her.

But this is a very perplexing Chazal. Why permit something that should be forbidden only because he will do it anyway? By that logic, every aveirah should be permitted, because the person is going to be over the aveirah anyway. We could speak a lot about this parashah and explain it, but I do not really want to go into yefas toar so much, because as we will soon see from the Taz and the Orach Chaim, there is a deeper meaning to this parashah. It is not just the simple case of going out to war, capturing the yefas toar, and wanting to take her as a wife. There is a deeper remez in the parashah.

But let us begin by first warming up to the parashah: what are the halachos of the parashah? And that is, as I told you, that we permit the yefas toar because otherwise you would do it anyway. The question is obvious: do not permit it; forbid it like everything else in the Torah. It is asur. So we are going to say it is mutar because you will do it anyway.

Now there is an interesting Gemara. The Gemara says that HaKadosh Baruch Hu balanced all the aveiros. Whatever there is an aveirah that is asur, Hashem made something which would be mutar. For example, He asered chazir, and He gave us different types of fatty foods that resemble chazir. He asered chelev, so He gave us a different part of the body of the animal which has the same...

# Kosher Substitutes for Treif Foods

The question is what it looks like and what it tastes like, like that forbidden chalup. In halacha, there are big discussions about this: are we allowed to take kosher things and make them look and sound like treif things? Today they have kosher crab. It is a big question in halacha. Many want to say maris ayin: you look at it, you think it is crab; you look at it, you think it is crab, it is cold crab. Kosher bacon is supposed to look and sound like bacon; maybe that is maris ayin.

Some of my farshanim and poskim say no. You see that the Torah went out of its way to permit certain things which resemble chaylev and chazzer. If the Torah felt that we should look at chaylev and chazzer as off limits, that we do not touch it, then why would the Torah go out of its way to give us the substitute? So you see it is not assur. It is not such a big thing to make kosher substitutes for treif things.

Others want to say that it is not so much the problem of the taste, but there is something called the name. A person has to go and say he wants to have chaylev and chazzer kosher ham, but the point is: did Hashem go and say, take something which tastes like that, but it does not have its name? It does not carry the name chaylev and chazzer, right? It is parts of the animal which taste maybe. So many acharonim, many poskim, want to say no, that is not the problem. That is not a problem. Why? Because maris ayin is only where a person might come to make an issur, but if you know for sure it is kosher, then it is not a problem. So as long as you know it is kosher and it is mutar, this is back and forth, a halachic issue.

Now, can I bother to put on the air conditioning, if you do not mind? I am sorry.

The point, rabotai, is that this is a very hashkafic issue: to make something which should be forbidden and try to make it in a kosher fashion so people who want that forbidden thing could have it. And like I said, I am not coming to give you the halachah l’maaseh. I am not discussing the halachah l’maaseh. I personally heard from my Rebbe, Rav Velsky, that it is mutar to make all these things, but just not to use the treif name on the package. Not to use the treif name.

He said, for example, stores that want to make things that look like a cheeseburger, they should not write kosher cheeseburgers. How do you need cheeseburger? Just write kosher burgers, even if it is. Because you do not need to have the stamp. Okay.

This is just a side discussion. My real point is the question at hand, and that is: why do we come and take something which seems to be so bad, and try to give a spin on it? You took it into the house, and the terraces in such a way you could take it. She is a goya. She is a goya. You know what it is to live with a goya. Could you imagine the home that she grew up in, the influences she saw in her life?

You know what a goya is called in Jewish language? She is called a shiktza. Hmm. Nobody even knows why it is called this. Does anybody know why it is called the shiktza? What is the root word? Sheketz. Sheketz.

# Shmiras Einayim and the Torah’s Approach

You know, a lot of times people come to me and discuss that they have problems with Shmiras Einayim. They look at this and they look at that, and there is a lot to be discussed about how to protect yourself from all the things you are not supposed to look at, Shmiras Einayim.

But one important lesson is: sheketz. Do you know who this person is? If I could call him a person, he is the lowest, the lowest. If you sat at a table with him, you would run away. If he would even be willing to sit with you at a table, he would probably hate you, probably despise you. A Jewish guy—I don’t know. And this is what you want? This is sheketz. So why would the Torah come and take sheketz and make it mutar? Take sheketz and make it mutar.

The reason is, like Chazal tell us, because if we do not make it mutar, you will do it anyway. Dibrah Torah keneged yetzer hara. The Torah is talking to the yetzer hara. So what does that mean? Because I cannot control myself, therefore the Torah has to permit it?

# Who Went to War

First of all, there is another thing that we need to address: who went to war? You know who went to war? The greatest of Klal Yisrael went to war. The holiest Jews in Klal Yisrael went to war. We learned in last week’s parashah that before they went to war, the kohen would get up and give a speech: whoever built a new house, go home; whoever just got married, go home; whoever planted a vineyard, go home. And the last group to go home is who? Whoever is afraid—yarei verach halevav—he should go home.

Why is he afraid? First of all, when you go to war, you are not supposed to be afraid. Our soldiers now would be afraid. The Rambam actually says that it is an issur. In Hilchos Melachim, the Rambam speaks about it: it is an issur to be afraid. You need to go and be botei’ach baKadosh Baruch Hu, and to be ready to be moser nefesh, to give up your life. That is what a Jewish soldier has to be prepared for.

So what is fear? Could you imagine the sergeant talking to the guy and saying, “Whoever is afraid, go home”? Everybody go home. They will not have anybody left. The point is not to be afraid. You are not supposed to be afraid.

So the Gemara tells us that it does not mean he is afraid because he is afraid of a bullet. He is afraid because of aveiros shebeyado, the aveiros that are in his hand. What kind of aveiros did this person do? Was he a gangster, a murderer? Did he go and steal money? No. What is it? He spoke. In Tefillin shel Rosh, Tefillin shel Yad. I am not saying it is a good thing. We know l’halachah it is a hefsek, it is a question of the brachah. But this is the criminal chet that he already did.

How many people could pass the test to be in the army already? Nobody. Nobody. Imagine you fill out a questionnaire: all right, whoever just built a house, whoever is afraid because he has little aveiros—he did something, he spoke in the middle of Hazaras Hashatz. There is no army; you are finished. You can send everybody home.

So who already went to war? The tzaddikei elyon, the tzaddikim shebe-tzaddikim shebe-tzaddikim. Who went to war? Unbelievable.

I will tell you an even bigger chiddush. During war, l’halachah, you are allowed to eat chazir. They are allowed to eat chazir. Why? Again, the same concept: because if we are not going to permit it, they will do it b’issur. Who are we talking about? We are talking about k’doshei elyon. We are talking about the biggest.

# The Question of Yefas Toar

The greatest of people—so how do you explain it?

There is a nice story I always repeat from the Chafetz Chaim. Reb Elchonon Wasserman, a student of the Chafetz Chaim, was very serious. He never smiled. Why? Because the pasuk says that when Mashiach comes, then we will be happy, we will smile, we will be ecstatic. But now, in churban Beis HaMikdash, one has to be very serious, extremely serious.

They say that only a few incidents in his life made him laugh, that he cracked a smile and laughed, and one of them was on Purim. Today everybody laughs; they say he smiled on Purim. They caught him smiling once on Purim.

# A Purim Play in the Yeshiva

What was the story in the yeshiva? They made a play. What was the play? What does a milchemes mitzvah look like in Klal Yisrael? What does the milchamah look like? That was the play.

They had the bochurim of the yeshiva on the stage. One gets up in a purse, with a white beard, the kohen, and he gives a speech: whoever built a new house, go home. So you see these ten boys get off the stage. Whoever built a new house—okay, another ten guys go. Whoever just got married—another ten guys go off. Whoever is afraid of the aveiros, and these little aveiros—everybody got off the stage.

The only two people left were two old men. One was supposed to be the Chafetz Chaim, who was mimicking, and the other was Reb Elchonon, the rebbe, and with two sticks, with canes, they are going to war. They sit, run after, and then they win. Reb Elchonon saw this and he laughed. Why? Because that is really what it looked like. Who went to war already? You are talking about only tzaddikim, the holiest of Jews.

# How Can the Torah Permit Yefas Toar?

And yet the Torah tells us that we have to find ways to deal with the yetzer hara. We have to be matir. We have to come and permit yefas toar. We have to permit chaser and other things, because if not, they will do it b’issur. How does it make sense? It does not make sense. It is a great question.

You hear the question? Imagine you come to one of the greatest of talmidei chachamim, the greatest tzaddikim, and say: let us be matir the worst aveirah, marrying a shikse, because if not he might do it b’issur. What does it mean? Rabosai, does it make sense?

# Wartime and Human Weakness

So many mefarshim want to explain that this is talking about wartime. Of course, on a regular day a tzaddik must hold himself in and not do what is wrong. But at wartime, a person is not at home. He is not yoshev. There is confusion, there is difficulty, and therefore the situation is such that even a tzaddik can be in trouble.

Baalei mussar learned from this that when a person is out of his seder hayom, out of his normal daily routine, who knows what could be. It is a very important lesson in life: routine, and knowing what you have to do. Then you stick to what you have to do. But if a person is all over the place—one day he is coming, one day he is going, one day he goes here, one day he stands there—seder leads to a matzah, a situation where who knows where he could go and end up.

Baalei mussar, in the mussar of Kelm, which was very much about seder, held that a person needs to be organized in his daily life and avodas Hashem. This was one of the proofs they brought, how you see that even the tzaddikim, the greatest of the tzaddikim, you cannot expect much, and we have to be afraid that they might come and transgress. This is one of the simple peshatim to understand the parashah of yefas toar.

# Yefat To’ar and the Month of Elul

So let us repeat, rabotai, because what we are going to do here is peshat, remez, sod, and drush — we do it all here. We are going to begin with the understanding of the actual parashah, and then we will get into the sod, what it really is about. What is the lesson of the parashah of yefat to’ar?

Before I continue, I want you to understand why this is so significant. The Zohar writes that this parashah is a remez to the month of Elul, and to the teshuvah that must be done in Elul. It is an open, clear Zohar, and I will quote it to you soon. But again, you see that the parashah seems to be a simple, technical parashah: he went to war, he found the shiktsah, he likes the shiktsah, he takes her in, the halakhot. There is more here. It is not only about yefat to’ar from hundreds of years ago. It applies to us today in the avodah of Elul, which leads into Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Open, clear Zohar. And yefat to’ar is a lesson that we need to take for the month of Elul, and for the teshuvah that needs to be done in Elul. Okay? Exciting? Interesting?

You know where the Zohar says it? What is yerach? Thirty days, a month of thirty days. What month? Where is there an avodah of teshuvah for thirty days? Elul. This is the month of Elul. And what is uva’achta? I mean, she is crying for her father and her mother, the goyim. No, there, says the Zohar: aviha is the Father, HaKadosh Baruch Hu, and ve’imah zu Knesset Yisrael. Ah, it is a whole different parashah, eh? It is a whole different yesod now. You read the parashah and think, well, yefat to’ar — what was it? What is after the words? It applies today? It is irrelevant. It is very relevant.

So let us understand the simple understanding of the parashah. We took a yefat to’ar, and we said, you know what, you can marry her. And the reason is, lo dibrah Torah ella keneged yetzer hara, as Rashi brings. This is directed toward the yetzer hara. Because if we are not going to permit it, what will happen is that you will end up living with her anyway. That is a permission; that is what we permit. And who are we permitting already? The people who went to war, who were tzaddikim? What is the understanding of the yefat to’ar?

There is something interesting, rabotai: veshavita shivyo. Translate the words. What is veshavita shivyo? You go to war. Veshavita — it is shavi, you will capture; it is captured. Isn’t that redundant language? It is the same thing twice: veshavita shivyo. Veshavita, you will go out, and you will capture. Do you like the question? Why does it say veshavita shivyo? Or HaChayim HaKadosh says that it is indeed double language, but it comes to explain; it comes to add something. Why does it say shivyo, and not oto? Raboteinu z”al said that the verse is speaking about milchemet reshut, and it is teaching that even if he is taken captive...

# Shivyo and the Yefat To’ar

That is what it means. Even *shivyo* means that you found a different one, from the Kanaani, from the seven nations, whom you went and found. Even though it says, *lo techaye kol neshamah*, here this one you are allowed to keep. Normally, when you go to war against the seven nations, you have to kill everybody. *Ve-shavita*—not just that you found a woman in *shivyo*, one of the Kanaanim. That is how he explains Rashi: *l’rabot Kanaanim she-betochah, af al pi she-mishivah umot*. And that is *shivyo*. *Shivyo* means from the seven nations. That is why the extra word is there.

The Zohar says something very interesting. How does it happen that a woman, a *yefat to’ar*, ends up in a Jewish home? It is difficult to understand: a *kleita*, a *shikta*—what, and how? How does the tzaddik fall for this? The answer is *shivyo*. The neshamah of this person is actually a true, pure neshamah, and she was unfortunately captive among the nations. This is a neshamah that was supposed to be in the Jewish nation, but got lost among the other nations. *Ve-shavita shivyo* means that it is captured by the nation that you went to war against. This neshamah does not belong there. This neshamah was supposed to come down among the Jewish nation, and for some reason it was caught and taken into the gentile nations. Now you went to war, and everything has its purpose, everything has its *hashgachah pratit*. So you went to war, you caught her, you found her, because she was supposed to come back.

That is why the Zohar says the Torah permits the *yefat to’ar*. How does a tzaddik look at such a woman and all of a sudden, *nechashak li*—he sees something, he is drawn? And why is he being drawn? Because this is a lost soul that needs to come back to Klal Yisrael.

# Gerim and the Erev Rav

I want to tell you something interesting. What are gerim? It is an interesting thing. A ger is a neshamah that has a whole voyage until it comes back to being part of the Jewish nation. We do not accept gerim so simply; we try to push them away. The Gemara says gerim are not good for the Jewish people. *Kasha gerim liYisrael kesa pachat*—it is like a plague. Gerim are not a good thing. Yet there is a halachah that we do accept gerim. So which is it? Do we or do we not accept gerim?

You know, there was somebody who accepted gerim, and until today we suffer because of those gerim. Who? Moshe Rabbeinu. Moshe Rabbeinu accepted the Erev Rav as gerim. Till today, the Gra explains that the *mechutzafim*, those who are brazen and disrespectful to the talmidei chachamim, are because they are grandchildren of the Erev Rav. And because Moshe Rabbeinu accepted the Erev Rav, which Hashem did not tell him to do—Hashem was against taking the Erev Rav out of Mitzrayim—Moshe, who represents the talmid chacham, always has to suffer from the Erev Rav.

The Gra explains that the gerim of Mitzrayim, their great-grandchildren, are the *mechutzafim* of our generation, and the reason they fight Moshe Rabbeinu is that this was like an *onesh*, a punishment to Moshe Rabbeinu. And today, all the Moshe Rabbeinu, the real tzaddikim who represent Moshe Rabbeinu...

My father once told me what type of gerim we accept. He has to speak, or she has to speak, the language of a true ger.

# A True Ger

A true ger. What is it? There is a key phrase: “I can’t live like this.” My life means nothing. I’d rather not live if I can’t become Jewish. I’m ready to give up everything, because this is not called living to me. That is the key. Those are the words that enable us to understand that this is a real ger. “I can’t live without it. My nefesh, my neshama—this, I can’t live in the body I live in. I just can’t be like that. It’s not a life.”

My father explained to me, and it is a famous Gra. The Gra says: what is a ger? The Gra explains that the neshamot of these gerim were the neshamot that, when the Kadosh Baruch Hu went to all the nations and asked whether they wanted to accept the Torah, said no. We know that they said no, right? Some wanted it.

I’m so happy you came. Some wanted it. You think everybody said no? You think everybody was at Marah? Some people were pretty normal, right? Not every guy is crazy. Not every guy wants to steal and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and. The ones that wanted it—yes, it’s original—so those neshamot end up coming back to be gerim.

So how come they’re born into the gentile world and the nations? They’re captive. Their neshamah is captive. You know, a person can be captive physically, and a person can be captive spiritually. I could walk around the room and ask a guy, “Are you free?” Yes, he’s a free slave, and everybody would say that. And I could look around and say, well, I would say 99% of people are slaves, and 99% of people are captive. You know why? Their neshamah, their inner self, is enslaved to the Yetzer Hara. They’re captive to their Yetzer Hara.

How many people are addicted to things that are not good for them? Sometimes it’s big aveirot, and sometimes it’s little aveirot, but it’s not good for you. But what? You can’t control yourself because you are a slave, a captive to who? To your Yetzer Hara.

Now the Yefat To’ar is a whole different parashah. Who is this Yefat To’ar? Guess what? It’s me and you, the Yefat To’ar. That’s who it is. We are a neshamah that’s captive. We are a neshamah that got captured, and we need to come back to the mekor. We need to come back to our roots, where we belong, and what we need to do.

Like I said to you, the Yefat To’ar seems to be a simple parashah, a factual story about war. A woman—you warn her. What is it? Why is the Torah permitting it? It’s strange. It’s a strange parashah. And the answer is that we’re talking about tzaddikim, and we’re talking about the Yefat To’ar neshamah that’s captive, and it needs to come back. And there is a process by which it comes back. This is the depth, the remez, the sod behind this parashah.

I’ll tell you a little more. “Ki teitzei la-milchamah.” You all know Hebrew here, right? When you want to say that he went to war, he went to the war, or he went to war? Went to war. First of all, Torah Chaim points out that it doesn’t have to say anything. Just say, why do you have to say “ki teitzei la-milchamah”? You’ll be in war. What do you mean, “ki teitzei la-milchamah”? When you go out to war—

# Captivity and the Meaning of the Verse

Who needs to begin with this? Of course. Captivity is only in war. Where else is there captivity? Can you walk in the street and start capturing people? Tell me, can you just walk around the street, take people off the street, and capture them? Of course not. So why does the Torah have to say it? It is a great question. What is the answer? It is simple.

He also said that because you go to war, you do not have to say, “Allah be with you.” You do not have to say those words. Who do you go to war against? Do you go to war against your friends? I do not say, because you go to war, “Allah be with you,” on your enemy. That is enough. What do you go to war against? There are people, for example the Arabs, who go to war against their friends too, because they like war. They enjoy it. I always used to say a joke that in Iran, when they say, you know what it means? You do not know Persian? It means good morning in Persian. But you should know that that good morning means you need to go to a hospital now, because you might have a knife in your back. That is how they say good morning to people. Best friends. Put a knife in his back. Good morning. Because they are murderous people. Normal people do not go to war unless it is against an enemy.

# “To War” and “The War”

So why does the Torah have to write, and what does it mean? It should have said, “to war.” What is the translation here? Mr. Kaiko, what is the translation? The war? You should say, “You go to war.” You do not go to “the war.” That is a good question. Anybody who knows Hebrew is like, you are right. Because it says, “You go out to war.” You do not go out to “the war.”

# Milchemet HaYetzer

And this is the secret. This is it. We are not talking about the physical war against your next-door neighbor, an enemy, Syria, Iraq. We are not talking about that. We are talking about the war. What is the war? The big war. That is what it means: the war of the world, that you come to this world to the war. And the Gemara always says that your biggest enemy, the one who wants to do you more harm than anybody else, is yourself.

So this parashah is an allusion to milchemet ha-yetzer, the war against the yetzer hara. People who are going to listen to this shiur will say, yes, it is Kabbalah, it is this, it is Rashi, sheporech ba-avir. No, it is the Or HaChaim. It is open and clear. It is right over here: ki tetze la-milchamah al oyvecha. This is about teshuvah. It is about the fight against the yetzer hara. You are fighting. The Torah is teaching us to fight. It is not a simple fight, and if you go head-on, you might not win. You have to know how to fight it. You have to know how to deal with it.

Ki tetze, you go out, Hashem will help you. Ve-natano Hashem Elokecha beyadecha. And you have to capture back what the Satan, the yetzer hara, captured from you. He took a lot out of you. People do not realize that. He steals 90% of your neshamah. Ninety percent of your neshamah gets captured by the Satan, the yetzer hara. It is not me; it is open. The only difference is that I bring it out for you so that you should appreciate it and understand it. Then when you read it in the parashah, in kriyat haTorah, you will appreciate what you are reading now. You are reading something beautiful. Ki tetze la-milchamah al oyvecha. So you fight, and Hashem will help you.

# Siyata d’Shmaya in the struggle with the yetzer hara

You think very few could go head to head against the yetzer hara and win. You need siyata d’Shmaya. You have to ask Hashem to help you. We can talk about this on Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, tefillah, the importance of asking Hashem to help you. *Ki ba-yom hazeh yitaher etchem* — Hashem purifies you. A person cannot do it on his own. On Yom Kippur, Hashem does it.

People always think they are going to fight the yetzer hara. I tell you, you cannot fight the yetzer hara. Hashem is not there to help you? The pasuk is teaching us: Hashem has to help you.

# U’vacharta et avivah v’et imah

Now let us get to the halacha of *u’vacharta et avivah v’et imah yerach yamim*. What does it mean? The Zohar says, *zu chodesh Elul* — this is the month of Elul. And what are you crying for? Avivah, Hashem the Father, and imah, Knesset Yisrael.

What does that mean? Let me ask you: what are all the halachot? She shaves her head, she makes her nails ugly, lets them grow. Chazal say, *kedei lenavelah* — to make her ugly. What about *u’vacharta*? Why is she crying? What is *u’vacharta et avivah v’et imah*?

You come and say, *u’vacharta et avivah v’et imah*. Have you ever seen a woman who is always crying? You get sick of her. Her makeup is running, right? She is not going to look good. *U’vacharta et avivah v’et imah*, *kedei she-tehei bas Yisrael smeichah*. The bas Yisrael is happy, and this one is *atzeivah*, depressed. *Bat Yisrael miskashetet* — she is dressed nicely. This one looks unkempt. This is to try to keep her from marrying a *yefat to’ar*.

# The Kli Yakar on avilut and teshuvah

The Kli Yakar explains it a little differently. The Kli Yakar says that because avilut is so important, before you take this woman into the house, she needs to be *mitabbelet*. You cannot take her if she is not *mitabbelet*. Why? *Tov lalechet el beit ha’avel*. It is very important to go to *beit ha’avel*. What does he mean? *Hacha yiten el libo*.

One of the reasons avilut is so important in Judaism is because it is teshuvah. It is an open reminder. You have to do teshuvah. No one lives forever. *Hacha yiten el libo*.

# Pardes Yosef: Yosef’s berachah at the pit

There is a beautiful pshat from the Pardes Yosef, very nice, in Sefer HaChumash. If you notice, Yosef went to the levayah of his father Yaakov, and he went with his brothers, with the shevatim. On the way there, they went to Canaan and had the levayah. On the way back, *mechazarato*, says the Midrash, he passed by the pit into which he had been thrown. Not Rachel — the pit where they threw him in. And he made a berachah. He said, *Baruch she’aseh li nes bamakom hazeh*.

His brothers saw this and said, oh my gosh, he still remembers what happened? So obviously he never forgot it. He is going to take revenge against us.

The mefarshim ask: why did he not make this berachah on the way there? Why did he make it on the way back?

There are many answers. One answer is that on the way in he was an onen, and an onen does not make any berachot. So it could be that he did not make the berachah of *she’aseh li nes* because he was an onen; he had not yet buried his father.

The Pardes Yosef gives a classic answer. You know that the minhag is, unfortunately, may Hashem protect us...

# A Different Road on the Way Back

That when you go to a funeral, when you come back, it has to be by a different road. On the way in, you take one road, and on the way back, you take a completely different road. Why? Why? Why? Why? It is to teach a person that you cannot be the same person. You have to take a different road in life. A person has to learn that on the way to the levayah, he comes back a different person, on a different road. It is a whole new change of direction. That is what the parashah brings, l’halachah.

So he says that on the way in, they did not pass by the pit. They took a different route. The GPS took them a different way. And on the way back, they passed by the pit. So that is why he made the bracha only on the way back. He could not make it on the way in, because they passed by the pit. They went a different road. On the way to the levayah, they went one way. On the way back from the levayah, they went a different way. L’halachah, you have to change the street. You go by the side streets, and then you take the highway. You come back, you take the side streets. They just did not pass until the way back.

# The Kli Yakar on Understanding Loss

What is the point? Hachai, iten el libo. In order to take this woman, she has to go through a process. Ve’ahavta et avia ve’et ima. She has to cry. What is the point? The point is that if she is not gitsini, if she does not understand that something happened here, that she was taken away, her parents are not here, and she is not crying for them, then you cannot take her, says the Kli Yakar. She needs to go through an understanding process of what just happened here. Ma kara? What happened? How did she end up that those were her parents, and now she is here and they are dead? Cheshbon ha-nefesh. Cheshbon ha-nefesh. Something. And if not, you cannot take her.

# Elul and Returning to the Father

Now let us go back to Ve’ahavta et avia ve’et ima. Zeh HaKadosh Baruch Hu, ima zu Knesset Yisrael. Every Jew throughout the year gets lost, like this neshama that is lost among the umot. Our neshama gets lost. It is very lost throughout the year, very lost here and there, with these problems and these aveirot and this tumul. Now we are coming back. Ve’ahavta. You have to cry at avia, HaKadosh Baruch Hu, your father, ve’et ima, Knesset Yisrael. Look where you got lost.

Zu Chodesh Elul. Zu Chodesh Elul. Elul is a time where the neshama, the nefesh of the Yehudi, is awakening. He is speaking to his neshama: Where was I? I was lost. I was lost in all kinds of confusion. Where did I get lost? I am starting to cry. Where is my father? Where am I in Yisrael? Who am I? What am I? It is a tremendous month. The month of Elul is an avodah. Ani le-dodi ve-dodi li.

# Ani Le-Dodi and Shir HaShirim

What is ani le-dodi ve-dodi li? Elul is ani le-dodi ve-dodi li. Dod, dod. What does it mean? The whole Shir HaShirim. You know what Shir HaShirim is? Machtavim. Hide and seek. The whole Shir HaShirim, when you read it: I came, I went, I came to the door, he was gone, I was gone, I was looking, I am searching. Elul is ani le-dodi. I am now coming. I want to come back to dodi. Dodi li. I am trying to reach the point that I am not running and coming and going and standing. Kol hashanah HaKadosh Baruch Hu nimtza beit knesset, and where am I? I ran away. Then when I have problems, I run to Hashem, and guess where Hashem is? I do not see Him, I do not hear Him. What happened? Machtavim, you see? This is the machtavim we play.

# The Request and the Missed Appointment

I'm waiting for you in the shul. Where were you? Vacation. Where were you? I don't understand. Vacation. Running around. Then when you finally meet Hashem, you start knocking on the door, you look through the window of the store, and you say, I can't see Him. What did you expect? He has been running after you for months, and now you're not here, so now when you come, you want?

# The Chafetz Chaim's Mashal

The Chafetz Chaim used to give a beautiful mashal. He said something so beautiful, so profound. Every morning we ask Hashem, in whatever nusach you say: Avinu Malkeinu, choneinu va'anenu, teach me Torah, I should be able to learn a little more, lamed lishmor vela'asos. Notice that we say it every single morning.

He said like this: there was once a person who called up his friend, whom he had not met in 25 years. The friend had become a millionaire, and he calls him up and starts telling him a story: listen, I have this problem with money, and here and there, and I'm in such a bad situation. We were friends, you used to care for me, and look how much I did for you, and we played together. He gives him the whole speech.

The man is busy, a businessman. I don't have time for sob stories. He tells him, listen, do me a favor. Call me up at 2 o'clock, okay, and we'll arrange how I can get you the money. The guy never called. Never called. Never called.

When does he call? He calls the guy at night, while the guy is at supper. He calls him at home and starts telling him, you know, the situation. He says, okay, listen, I'm not at supper now. I told you to come at 2 o'clock to my office. I'll give you the check. Come.

The next day, 2 o'clock, he never showed up. At night, again, he calls him at home during supper and starts telling him, you know, I'm in such a bad situation. He says, okay, I heard. 2 o'clock, come to the office. The secretary will have the check ready for you at the desk. Thank you, thank you so much. Okay.

The next day, 2 o'clock, he doesn't show up. Again at night, he calls him up and starts telling him again the same thing, how hard it is for me to be in such a situation, you'll have to take care of me. This is the way Rav Shalom Schwadron used to say it, all crazy, crazy, crazy. Every day he calls him again during supper hour, bothering him: have rachmanus on me, you hear? And he tells him, okay, just come and get it. And he doesn't show up.

He says, that's exactly what we look like every day in tefillah: Hashem, our Rabbi, you love those, you love the seder, please have us, give us to learn Torah, da-da-da. Hashem says, no problem, show up in the yeshiva. I'll give you what you want.

After Shacharit, the guy leaves the beis knesses, gives a kiss to the mezuzah, and he's out the door for the day. Did he show up to get what he asked for? He asked Hashem, give me Torah, da-da-da. He had it, he begged: Avraham Adonai, chema seder, chamalta le'avinu malkeinu, mitrachem al enkei et ladun. And then the minute he finished asking, he runs out the door. You don't see him till the next morning. The next morning he starts again: Avraham Adonai, chema seder, chamalta le'avinu malkeinu, mitrachem al enkei et ladun.

Hashem says, okay, so show up. I'll give it to you. I'll give it to you. He disappears, and again the next morning: chema seder, chamalta le'avinu malkeinu, mitrachem al enkei et ladun. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. How do you want Me to give it to you if you didn't come to pick it up? What do you want from Me?

Ravotai, this is a very big lesson. A whole year, busy running after Hashem, right? And the reason why we can't find Him is because when Hashem came to us in Shacharit, in the zmanim Hashem...

# Elul, Teshuvah, and the Cry of the Neshamah

of tefillah, of Torah, we were not up there. We didn’t show up. So how many times did you expect? So this is going on, back and forth. I call my guy to come to the door. I open the door, and he was gone. You’re gone, I… Elul is *ani ledodi, vedodi li*. *Vedodi li* — we meet, finally meet. This is the month here. *Mitkashrim, mitkashrim, mitkashrim.* *Adam tzarich nevakot*, *she’li mitkaron*. *Kal shanah sheli, mah kara li b’khol ha-shanah zu?* What happened to me? *U’vachata et avia ve-timah*, *yerach yamim*. *Al khen et ha-yetzer* is a long milchamah. It’s a difficult war. Hashem gave us a tremendous month of Elul. *U’vachata*, that you start to listen to your neshamah that’s lost, and you cry for it. That’s the remez in this parashah.

# The Difficulty of Teshuvah

I want to speak about one more point in this parashah, something that is not yet the teshuvah of Elul. You know, rabotai, teshuvah is difficult. Teshuvah is hard. If you look in the Rambam in *Hilchot Teshuvah*, there is no end to the pratim of how to really do teshuvah. Teshuvah is something that, if I did it right, would take tremendous work and tremendous time to be mekayem *Hilchot Teshuvah*.

It’s interesting: in *Shulchan Aruch*, there is no *Hilchot Teshuvah*. It’s not there. There are no halachot in *Hilchot Teshuvah* like in the Rambam. The world says, you know why? Because the *Shulchan Aruch* is only *halachah la-ma’aseh*. Who knows what that teshuvah is? Who knows what that teshuvah is? We’ll talk about it.

Therefore, the *Shulchan Aruch* said, you know what? The truth is, I always say it a little differently. The *Shulchan Aruch* wants to be *posek la-halachah*. You could be *yotzei* teshuvah even without all the things that it says in the Rambam. Of course, you should try to do all the difficult stages of teshuvah, which take a very long time. But there is a simple teshuvah also. There is a simple teshuvah. Maybe if you just cry a little bit, you give a cry, a groan, *mitkonen k’tzat*: *ani rotzeh l’hitkarev, lachzor*. That itself already could be *yotzei*, *b’dieved*, so to speak, in *Hilchot Teshuvah*.

And I want to show you where I got this from. I want to show you. There is an interesting Midrash. The Midrash says, it’s a famous Yerushalmi, that in essence teshuvah has no place in the halachah of the Torah. It doesn’t really make that much sense. A guy does a serious aveirah, and he goes and erases it? Imagine you walk into a court and you have a parking ticket. A parking ticket. And you tell the judge, *ashamnu, bagadnu, gazalnu, dibarnu dofi*, huh? You know how you say it, *tachalun*? You think the judge is going to be *mochel* you for that? Imagine. No, it doesn’t work. Teshuvah doesn’t work, okay?

The Midrash, the Yerushalmi, says: *sha’alu lechochmah*. They asked wisdom of the world, what should happen with a *choteh*, with someone who sins? *Nefesh hachotet, tamut; ta’aved.* Nothing — you’re done, you did the aveirah. *Sha’alu lenevuah*. They asked nevuah; nevuah said no, *tamut*. *Ad she-sha’alu laKadosh Baruch Hu*. Until they asked HaKadosh Baruch Hu. What did HaKadosh Baruch Hu say? *Ya’aseh teshuvah v’yitkaper.*

One of the things it says is *sha’alu leTorah*. They asked the Torah. You know what the Torah answered? It answered to do teshuvah. The Torah says, *tavi korban v’titkaper*, korbanot. Only one that said to do teshuvah was who? HaKadosh Baruch Hu.

The question is: but there is teshuvah in the Torah. How is that? The Torah speaks about teshuvah, no? *V’shavta ad Hashem Elokecha* — we’re going to learn this in next week’s parashah. *Lo vashamayim hi, v’lo b’ever hayam hi. Ki karov ha-davar b’ficha uvilvavcha la’asoto.* Machloket rishonim, some rishonim…

# Torah, Teshuvah, and Korban

It's going on Torah. Most Rishonim say it's going on teshuvah: "B'ficha u'vilvavcha la'asoto," right? You have to do teshuvah—charatah and kabbalah b'peh, vidui. It's going on teshuvah. "V'shavta ad Hashem Elokecha."

So why does it say that they asked the Torah, and the Torah didn't say teshuvah? It said to bring a korban. That is the famous question. And you know what the answer, I think, is? A simple answer. The teshuvah that the Torah would want you to do is not what this rasha is telling you. That is real teshuvah: tavi korban. This is teshuvah, but what type of teshuvah? It has to be the korban. The korban is supposed to resemble what is supposed to happen to you, as if you were supposed to be a korban. That is the teshuvah the Torah talks about.

# Hashem's Teshuvah and the Father's Mercy

But when they ask Hashem, you know what Hashem says? "Yaseh teshuvah." Just let him do teshuvah. Hashem, the Father, says very simply: you ever come to a principal and he wants to tell you that you did something wrong, and he tells you how to fix it? He gives you a list of tikkunim, how much punishment you're supposed to get, how much detention you're supposed to have, right? What does the Father say when you come to him? Okay, just be a good boy. That's all. Stop. Just say, "I'm sorry." That's "Avinu, Avinu Malkeinu. Im kevanim, rachmenu ke'achem avadim. Im ke'avadim, einenu lechot li'ot." It's not that simple. Ke'avadim, you have to fix the problem, right? A servant who goes against his master, if he's lucky, he gets a chance to fix it. But the Father, sometimes even these donot—if he does the right teshuvah—"na'aseh kezechuyot." You know that? A person who does aveirot, the aveirot become zechuyot. Does that make sense? Does that make sense? I went and did this aveirah—wow. You know who talks like that? Only a mother. A mother can come and see that the child went and broke something: wow, look at my son, look how artistic he is. "Eichu shavar, eichu shavar." You ever see a mother say, "eichu shavar"? It's a lot different than the principal. The principal says, "eichu shavar." You know how the mother and father say it? Look at my son, "eichu shavar, eichu shavar." Such a smile, such a smile, right? That's "v'chalenu keracham av al banim." Hashem takes the donot and makes them zechuyot.

# Moshe Rabbeinu in Devarim

You want to hear something interesting? In Devarim, we just read that, right? Moshe Rabbeinu wanted, b'ramez, not to spell out all the chata'im that they did. So he said it b'ramez, right? "Ba'aravah, mul Suf"—these are all the places where they sinned—but he said it as a hint, so as not to embarrass Klal Yisrael. The problem is, the next paragraph speaks out, to the end of Devarim, all the bad things that the Jewish people did in detail. There's something wrong. In Rashi, at the beginning of Devarim, it says that Moshe Rabbeinu didn't want to say it out because it would embarrass them, so he said it as a hint: "Ba'aravah," they did that, here, this, up there, here, there—but he didn't say it openly. Yet right after he finished giving that pasuk, he begins, "Now you did this, you made the eigel," and he gives them mussar, he screams at them.

We gave different tirutzim when we learned parashas Devarim. This is a very nice chassidic pshat. Chassidim say that once Moshe Rabbeinu gave them the mussar b'ramez, they did teshuvah. And once they did teshuvah, "zdonot na'asu k'zechuyot." So these were good stories. Oh, you made the eigel—ah, tremendous, you were tremendous, unbelievable. You went and were mored, you did this, the mandir—wow, you're so great. K'zechuyot. Could you imagine the report card, the way the mother reads the report card? Wow, and you broke the window in the class, and you got a 20 on your... wow, that's great, that's all. K'zechuyot, niflah, zimiflah, niflah. This is the Father of the sons, yes. Zdonot na'asu.

# Zichruyot: Pshat and Teshuvah

Use the aveirah to grow, use the aveirah to do teshuvah, to get close to Hashem. So even an aveirah can become a means for Bnei HaKodesh Baruch Hu to do teshuvah. That is why HaKadosh Baruch Hu says: let him do teshuvah, and it will be mechaper. Let him just do teshuvah, ve-yitkaper.

## B’yifat To’ar and Ben Sorer U’moreh

I want to show you something interesting. In this week’s parashah, after the b’yifat to’ar, he hates her. What do you mean? Why does he have a wife that he hates? Chazal say it is b’yifat to’ar, because in the end what will happen? He will hate her. And then what will that lead to? To ben sorer u’moreh.

How old is the ben sorer u’moreh? Not even bar mitzvah. We all know in halakhah there is no such thing as an onesh for someone under bar mitzvah. So what is the sugya in halakhah of ben sorer u’moreh? And you want to know something? According to one opinion in the Gemara, the case of the ben sorer u’moreh never happened. It cannot be, because the details of the halakhah are so complicated that it can never happen. The father and mother have to have the same voice. If the father and the mother have a different voice, it cannot be a ben sorer u’moreh.

So what is the point of the ben sorer u’moreh? What is the point? Drosh v’kabel sechar. Drosh v’kabel sechar—learn it, learn it. Rav Yisrael Salanter explains: why not have every parashah be a parashah of drosh? Why do I need to make up a parashah of ben sorer u’moreh, kedei lidrosh, kedei lekabel sechar? A parashah that cannot be, and then you will derive from it and receive sechar for that.

From my parashah of Mitzavim—kabel sechar al zeh. What does it mean, drosh v’kabel sechar? Do I need to come and invent a parashah that cannot happen, so that you should be doresh and receive sechar? Learn Masechet Bava Metzia and you will get sechar.

## The Lesson of the Parashah

Many want to say that it is very hard to learn something when you know it cannot be anyway. You learn something and enjoy it, but something abstract is different. A lot of times, when you learn Torah, it is very different. We do not have any keshet Torah today. We do not understand what it is, so it becomes hard. That is why we took a parashah that could not be. Some say that is the answer.

The truth is that the ben sorer u’moreh, just like the beginning of the parashah, is a lesson in the yetzer hara. That is drosh. Drosh means you have to learn the parashah of ben sorer u’moreh in order to take from it the mussar, in order to take from it the limud. It is a lesson. Ki tetzeh la-milchamah—the whole parashah begins with the war against the yetzer hara.

There is another war of the yetzer hara, and that is when a person does not listen. You do not listen. You do not listen. When you do not listen, and you are not mekabel mussar, there is no hope, as we will soon explain.

## Why the Ben Sorer U’moreh Is Judged

Why does the ben sorer u’moreh die? He is only twelve. He is only twelve. And the answer is, Chazal say, he is judged because you are too cold. You are too cold, man. No? You okay? War means that he has to be killed now, because what will happen if he is not killed now? He will eventually become much worse. He will go out and rob and kill.

I have a question for you. Since when do we tell a person that there is no hope for you? Chazal tell us, the Shaarei Teshuvah brings it, teshuvah is always accepted. So maybe he will do teshuvah. Maybe he will do teshuvah. How do you take somebody and tell him that is it, you are finished? He is twelve. Let him grow up. Who knows? Maybe he will come to yeshivah over here and become different.

# The Ben Sorer U’morer and Judgment in the Present

What do you know? What are you taking a kid and telling him there’s no hope for him? The answer is that he does not listen. The Ben Sorer U’morer is hopeless. He is hopeless, and because he is hopeless, kill him now. Kill him now; it is better.

The mefarshim, the Acharonim, ask an interesting question, and this is why I want to bring out the whole point of the Ben Sorer U’morer. Was Yishmael helpless? Was Yishmael hopeless? Yishmael was pera adam; he was born mamash pera adam, right? “Va’yishma Elokim el kol hana’ar ba’asher hu sham.” The Gemara tells us in Rosh Hashanah, daf zayin amud bet, that Yishmael was supposed to die. He was in the midbar. You know the story, right? You read it on Rosh Hashanah. There is a reason why you read this on Rosh Hashanah.

Why do we read the story of Yishmael dying in the midbar on Rosh Hashanah? The answer is: “Va’yishma Elokim el kol hana’ar ba’asher hu sham.” “Ein danin et ha’adam ela lefi ma’asav shel otah sha’ah.” That is why we read it on Rosh Hashanah, because Hashem judges us. And how does He judge us? On the moment. What is now? Tell me, was Yishmael in the future going to do the worst things? Yes. Look what Yishmael is doing for us now. “U’va’asher hu sham” — he was not a rasha.

If you look at Rabbeinu Chananel, Rabbeinu Chananel brings a Yerushalmi. The Yerushalmi says that the root from which we know this is actually from a different pasuk, that Hashem judges only according to now. It is by Iyov. Iyov, Hashem sent the malach to give him tremendous yisurim, but then Hashem said, no, we have to stop. Why? “El im zach v’yashar ata.” “El im zach v’yashar ata achshav.” The Yerushalmi says the same halacha, but from a different place: Iyov was judged, “im zach v’yashar ata achshav,” not what was in the past.

There is a very big difference. We did not judge him with the future. The Yerushalmi is that “hayita” means not what was. Now that is a very big chidush, right? Because bishlama, we do not look at the future. I understand: you did not do it yet, so I cannot punish you for something that did not happen yet. But here, you did it. We look at you now. Chidush nifla.

Imagine a guy walks into court and says, “I’m not guilty.” “Yes, but you killed somebody yesterday.” “Yes, but that was yesterday, not now. You see me killing somebody now?” That is this Gemara, rabotai. It is mamash an amazing Gemara. We do not look at the past. We do not look at the past. We look at what is right now, achshav.

By Yishmael, I understand: he did not do it yet, which is also not so simple. But here, lo mistaklin al avar, lo mistaklin al hatid; mistaklin al achshav. We look at you the way it is now.

Rabbeinu Yonah brings down that when a person comes to do teshuvah, what does he do? Zorkin, zorek et kol avonot. He throws them away. You go to tashlich. Tell me, do you hear me? Imagine you tell the judge, listen to me, judge: I am going to the backyard, you hear? There is a garbage over there. Nikach et avonotai, et hachet, I will take my sin and throw it in the garbage over there, okay? Good? And then it is all good, right? It is all good. He zorek et avonotav, lata, lata.

Omerim sipur shehayu tzadikim shelo ratzu lalechet anashim shel beit haknesset, avala batim shelahem, lo tashlich.

# Tashlich and the Idea of Renewal

Why? They said they were afraid it was going to become a mob. What does it mean? What is going on here? What does Tashlich mean?

Rabbeinu Yonah writes something interesting. You know, Rabbeinu Yonah writes — the Goyim have something called “born again.” That is the Christian idea. It is stolen from Torah, from Rabbeinu Yonah. The concept is in Rabbeinu Yonah in Sefer HaTeshuvah.

Imagine a man walks into court wearing diapers. He walks into court wearing diapers, and he tells the judge, “David so-and-so killed, robbed, and banned.” I told him, “Look at my birth certificate; I was just born now. Come here, take a look. Take my birth certificate. Today is my birthday.” What nonsense is this, rabotai? What nonsense. What is going on here?

With the help of Hashem, when we get close to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we will discuss these issues and explain them in detail, in depth, and in secret, to understand. We are going to understand all this. But as far as we are concerned, how could the son of a priest and a teacher be banned from meeting right now? I thought it says, do we judge according to the future? No.

# Hearing Change and the Possibility of Teshuvah

So the answer I told you is: we do not hear. We do not hear. When a person is able to listen to change, then we give him a chance in the future. If a person is like, “He will never change. Heaven is heaven, live heaven is live heaven,” I want to tell you, just as I explained to you at the beginning of the parashah, that it is not, but it is, like the Zohar says — I think you could come and say also is to his mother — he is not listening. His tongue is telling him the same voice: there is no hope.

When he comes, you have to listen to the neshamah that is crying. It is crying; it is lost. Then we can change, and then Hashem can say, “I will,” according to... If not, there is no hope; there is nothing you can do. This, rabotai, is the parashah of... It is like, okay.