Pesach Seder and Chinuch: V’Higadta L’Vincha, Teaching by Example, and Kan HaBen Sho’el

Transcript

This Torah class is brought to you by TorahAnytime.com. Tonight's shiur: Raising children with wisdom through the night of the Seder. Chinuch. Chinuch of children requires a lot of wisdom. It's a lot of skill, and it's an art. It's not a simple thing, chinuch. We have children. It takes a lot of skill, a lot of wisdom in how to bring up our children properly, to know what, when, and where. Not easy. Tonight, let us use the Haggadah as a framework and the night of the Seder to teach us lessons in chinuch, lessons in how to raise our children, Torah, to raise our children properly to be yireiim shleimim and good people, good people. So let us begin by telling you that the Haggadah already tells us, teaches us, that raising children is not an easy task. The pasuk says, Vayar Hashem es amaleinu. Hashem sees our hard toil, our work. What work was He referring to? So pashut means, amaleinu, the hard work that we worked in Egypt, in Mitzrayim. Yet we all read the Haggadah. Remember what the Haggadah says: Vayar Hashem es amaleinu. Hashem saw our hard work. Amaleinu eilu... Habonim. Our hard work refers to the children. See clearly in the Haggadah, why is Amaleinu, our hard work, the children? The Rashba explains, because all the work we do, and all the business we do, and all the toiling we do to bring in money is for what? It's for the children. Amaleinu eilu habanim. Rashba. Shibolei HaLeket says, Amaleinu eilu habanim. You know why? Not easy to bring up children; it's hard work. Shibolei HaLeket is one of the great Rishonim. Peirush on the Haggadah. Amaleinu, hard work. Why is children? Yeah, because children is hard work. If you think that you'll raise children and it will go, quote unquote, smoothly, I'm sorry to come and tell you otherwise. I'm sorry to tell you that it's going to be a lot, a lot of work on your part. There's a beautiful story from the Chafetz Chaim, zecher tzaddik livrachah, zchuso yagen aleinu. I heard this from my grandfather many a time. Someone once came to the Chafetz Chaim and asked for a bracha for good children. I hear it all the time. Rav, ten li bracha, give me a bracha for good children. The Chafetz Chaim said, My dear Yid, my pairer Yid, good children you don't get with a bracha. Good children, you need to sleepless nights. You need to shed tears, sweat. You'll have good children. It doesn't come, I just got a bracha. Harabosai, I give you a bracha, you should have all good children. Trust me. I'm not going to take away your bracha. I know how important it is to you all. Sheyeh mevorachim, you should be blessed with good children, but don't rely only on my bracha, okay? You need to put a lot, a lot, a lot of work. Amalenu eilu habanim. Now listen, rabosai, my friends, let's understand Pesach, the Seder. What is the focal point of the Seder? What is the Seder all about? If you notice, what do we read? We read the, no? Haggadah. Why is it called Haggadah? Where did it get its name from? Tonight, we're going to discuss different pshatim, interpretations, why it's called Haggadah shel Pesach. We know you go into the store, hundreds of Haggadahs. There's many pshatim in what the word Haggadah even means. And let us, through the different interpretations, learn lessons on what we should do in the—

Seder and how we should talk to our children during the Seder. So let me begin with a simple pshat. You know what the word Haggadah comes from? Nu, rabosai, v'higadta. Can't get more simple than that. The Torah clearly says the night of Pesach we need to retell the story. Who becomes the master storyteller? The father, Pesach night, telling over the story of Sippur Yetzias Mitzrayim. V'higadta l'vincha. Haggadah simply means retelling a story. You know, rabosai, my friends, there's a very interesting question that has to be addressed. Why is the night of Pesach different than all other nights of the year? Okay, I borrowed that from the Haggadah, but it's a good question relevant to this shiur. All the nights of the year, you anyway have to teach your children Torah. You anyway have to learn with them. Tell me, and I'm not going to point any fingers, but let's say we go to the empty chair that's there. Tell me, do you every night come home and learn with your children? Do you spend a hard day at work and come home and learn with them? You have to do that anyway. So what is unique? What is special about the night of Pesach, v'higadta l'vincha? You hear the question? What is unique? Why is it a special mitzvah, v'higadta l'vincha, the night of Pesach? You anyway need to teach your children. This is a pasuk: V'shinantam levanecha. See? So what's wrong with v'shinantam levanecha? Why the added mitzvah, the emphasis the night of Pesach, v'higadta l'vincha? The Orach HaShulchan, one of the classic Acharonim, poskim, in siman taf ayin beis, seif tes-vav, says something very interesting: V'shinantam levanecha v'lo b'nosecha. You have to teach your sons Torah, but you do not have to teach your daughters Torah. Okay, slow down, I'll explain it. The mitzvah of teaching Torah is to boys and not to girls. V'shinantam levanecha — it's a Gemara, it's a halacha — levanecha v'lo b'nosecha. You know, people talk all the time to me, could they use their maaser money to pay yeshiva tuition? And the answer is no, you cannot, because you anyway have to pay to teach your children Torah. Today there's a discussion: the amount of money the yeshiva's charge, maybe it's more than what's really needed for the Talmud Torah. There are other things included, and therefore maybe we could bring in a little maaser money to pay when someone doesn't have enough money. It's a halachic question, not for now, not for tonight. But may I use my maaser money to teach girls, to pay the— The answer is, I hear everybody say what? Yes, because there's no chiyuv to what? To teach girls. Beis Yaakov, you're out of business, huh? What is that all about? We could discuss that in a few moments, but says the Orach HaShulchan, that's v'shinantam levanecha, the night of Pesach, teaching your son, daughter included. And that's the extra mitzvah v'igadta l'vincha. V'shinantam levanecha, teaching Torah every night of the year is what, boys? Beautiful. The night of Pesach, boys? And girls. You have sisters? They deserve a fair share of the Seder too. Let them, let them. Okay, I see you're a good boy, you probably let them be part of the Seder. Okay. The question is why? And the answer is, why is the night of Pesach different? Remember I asked you the question, eh? Why is the night of Pesach different? And the answer is, when we teach Sipur Yetzias Mitzrayim, the story of Mitzrayim, the Haggadah, it's not about the learning per se, but it's about teaching emunah.

It's about creating the Jew, in Yiddish, zogt men machen a Yid, to take the child and bring out in him the Jew in him. And that is not strictly boys; it's for girls as well. So remember, vigadta l'vincha is talk to his neshama. You're a Yid. Emunah, faith in Hashem, yetzias Mitzrayim is about faith in Hashem. Rav Moshe Feinstein, zecher tzaddik livracha, the Rosh Yeshiva, in Igros Moshe, Orach Chaim chelek beis, siman yud-gimmel, writes that even though there is no mitzvah of Talmud Torah to a girl, but to teach emunah in Hashem, to teach the concept that there's Torah, to teach the concept that there's mitzvos, that is yes a mitzvah. Maybe you don't have to teach them a Gemara, but you got to teach them the tenets of Judaism, yesodei hadas. And that is emunah b'Hashem, Torah, what Torah is all about, and mitzvos. And that's why we have the Beis Yaakovs today, because the Beis Yaakov is meant to bring and to teach in the Jewish girl emunah, the concept of Torah and the concept of mitzvos. Rabosai, let's learn the Haggadah for one second. You remember between all the questions of the four children, you'll hear language, Mah ha'avodah hazos lachem? You'll hear also, Mah ha'eidus vehachukim vehamishpatim? So it's different parts of the question that the children are asking that we have to address and answer. What is the translation of avodah? Work. Rabotah? No. Rabotah laShem. Work for Hashem. It's the service of Hashem. Avodah. What is edus? Testimony. What testimony? Hashem created the world. He gave us a Torah, and chukim is the mitzvos. You see that we're addressing the night of Pesach to teach something specific, targeted, and that is emunah. Nu, rabosai, help me finish. Let's go. Emunah. Avodah means the service of Hashem. Mitzvos, Torah. The idea why we do it is the lesson of the Haggadah, and that's for boys and for girls. The question is, we came here tonight to address how to do this. What is the skill of being mechanech, that we should have good children, that we should have good boys and good girls? Let me introduce to you another pshat in Haggadah. We said Haggadah is to retell the story. There's another pshat. Here, anyone here who speaks Hebrew? What does l'aged mean? To put together, to connect, to tie together. Many sefarim, many mefarshim explain the Haggadah is connecting a father to a child. The night of the Seder is a time where children connect to parents. Haggadah means to connect. The Belzer Rebbe's zchusim yagen aleinu, the great Belzer Rebbe said such a profound concept. You know, the generations, they don't really see eye to eye. We have this problem. The kids don't understand the parents. The parents don't understand the kids. Different generations, coming from different worlds. Says the Belzer Rebbe, zchuso yagen aleinu, you know, the parent is closer to Matan Har Sinai, which is Mitzrayim, when they left Egypt. So the parent is closer to the experience of the past. The child is far away from that, yet he's closer to what? To the days of Mashiach. Father and child, the night of the Seder, connect the generations.

Where the father asks the child as much as the child is asking the father. The child says, Abba, my father, tata, ma nishtana. From your generation, from the way you see it, ma nishtana halayla hazeh. I don't feel the same, Yid. I don't have the same experiences. We don't see the same thing and understand the same thing. Abba, ma nishtana halayla hazeh. Many have a custom that the father repeats the ma nishtana to who? Says Belzer Rebbe to the child. Father turns to the child and he says, Now tell me from your generation. Because it's linking the generations from geulah through the galus till Mashiach comes. V'higadta l'vincha, connect to your son. It's a night where father and son connect. I'd like to tell you over an interesting pshat. Is everyone familiar with the pasuk? L'maan tesaper b'oznei bincha uven bincha es... Let's hear clearly the words of the pasuk. L'maan tesaper, in order you should retell. B'oznei. See, I woke them up. B'oznei. Do you have another place where you could talk to? I'm sorry, I know that it's very possible to talk to the walls. That I know. As a rebbe for many years, I'm quite familiar with that phenomenon that we could talk to the walls. Get it? I also know that children have this thing, talk to the hand. They always tell you, talk to the hand. I guess it's a nicer version of talk to the wall, I don't know. Either way, Rabosai, when you talk to a child, you're talking into the air sometimes. You're talking just to the walls. Where do you need to talk to in the night of the Seder? L'maan tesaper b'oznei. Gotta talk into his ear. Gotta connect to him. L'maan tesaper b'oznei. Talk to him into his ear. And I found in Chazal that it interprets the word b'oznei, that it means directly from the mouth into the ear, that it enters the ear. Does anybody know which Chazal I'm talking about? It's a pasuk in Chumash, in Parshas VaYigash. VaYigash, אהב יהודה, va'yomer, בי אדוני. Can we finish the pasuk? Let's go. Yedaber נא עבדך דבר באוזני אדוני. I want to talk to you that it should into your ear. You have a better place. So maybe it means to whisper it secretively, maybe. But that's not what Rashi says. How does Rashi interpret? How does Chazal interpret b'oznei אדוני? יכנסו דברי באוזניך. It's got to go in. The night of the Seder, people have a habit of going on and talking, and the kid isn't connected. He's not listening to what you're telling him. It's very nice here. For example, I'm giving a shiur here tonight. I hope, and the way I look around, I'm pretty sure about it as well, that it's entering, it's getting to where it's supposed to go. How many times do people talk? It has to be what? B'oznei, to connect. It should go in. The great Rosh Yeshiva, Reb Henoch Leibowitz, zecher tzaddik livracha, Chofetz Chaim Rosh Yeshiva, his father was Reb Dovid Leibowitz, zecher tzaddik livracha. Reb Dovid Leibowitz said, Europe is a different generation than America. Europe, you were able to give shiurim and teach, and it went to where it was supposed to go. It entered. America, you need to first create the ear, and then you could talk to that ear. Okay, it's resonating. Is my words yekansu v'orecha b'oznecha? You all here, we're connecting, we're saying something very interesting. It's not enough to—

Talk. You got to talk to someone, and it's got to enter, and it's got to go where it's supposed to go. The night of the Seder is mesugal. It has the potential that it's able to give us this, that we're able to talk and connect with the child. I also would like to point out that there is a little more of a lesson in Yekansu dvarai b'oznecha, leman tesaper b'oznei. It has to be his ear. Every child has a different ear, rabosai. Not every child hears the same. Not every child, the message that you tell him will enter. It has to be targeted to the child, to him, to connect to him. Leman tesaper b'oznei bincha. What is b'oznei bincha? You need to know that each child has his own set of ears. Don't talk to this child what you're supposed to be telling that child. Where did I get this lesson from? The Haggadah. Just have to read the Haggadah: keneged arba bonim. No, finish it. Dibrah Torah. Four children, four different messages. The message to this child is not the message to this child. Chanoch l'naar al pi darko, chinuch. The skill of chinuch, rabboisai, is to be able to get what the child needs. Now, rabboisai, I want to point out something that's very interesting. L'man tisaper b'oznei — no, finish — b'neichem u'vincha. What's wrong if you have many children? No? Kzat Ivrit? Okay. Ma nora im haya katuv, l'man tisaper... How many Ivrit you know? L'man tisaper b'oznei bincha. Why singular? And the teretz is, each child, the night of the Seder, he's the only one. You have five, then you have five only children. You need to talk to a child like he's the one and only. I could speak to you for very long where I got this concept from in the sefarim of chinuch, and gedolim, previous generations emphasized this point: each child must be a ben yachid, full attention. He has to know that he has your full ear and your heart is him when you talk to him. L'man tisaper, not b'oznei, no, binchem, but b'oznei bincha. As Eides HaTzal once told me — it's a famous story that's told over in the yeshivas — this is really not only for children. But as rabbanim, as roshei yeshivas, each talmid, he is your ben yachid. Address him like he's the only one in your world. Say over the alter from Slabodka, the great mechanech, the great mashgiach. Someone came to ask for a shidduch for a daughter. So the mashgiach said, I have a good boy for you. Him, that boy? He's my ben yachid. He's my only child. The shidduch didn't work out. The person comes back and says, Maybe you have a different shidduch for my daughter. And he says, Yes, I do, as a matter of fact. You see that boy over there? He is my ben yachid. The person says, Kevod HaRav, mashgiach, I don't understand. How could he be? You know the word—maybe the Rav doesn't know what the word yachid means. Yachid means echad, yachid u'meyuchad, one, right? Uno numero, what is—how do you say it? I think I got it more or less, yeah. So how could you have many ben yachids? And what's the teretz, rabosai? Yes, each one.

Hashgiach said, Each one is my ben yachid. You want to connect to a kid, you want to be connected and be able to be mechanech and be able to teach, he's unique. Full focus. There's another lesson that needs to be taken from the Haggadah about chinuch. I've told you two pshatim in Haggadah, right? Why is it called Haggadah? V'higadeta? No. What's the second pshat? Igud. Tie, connect. There's a third pshat in agud. Rav, you want to help us out here? Good, agud? Meshicha. To draw something to you is called agud. You know what you need to do the night of Pesach? You need to draw your children to you. You need to draw your children to you. Moshech. You got to bring them. A lot of times people, they let the child to study. He's not connected, and he needs help to be brought, pull him. Agidah could also mean to pull. One of the halachos of the night of the Seder is that we should, right, bring all the different things that the child should ask. Why is it so important to do things that the child will ask? And the answer is, limshoch oto. You need to draw him into it, k'dei sheyisha'alu. You want them to bring them in. You need to bring them to you. You got to bring them in. Drawn to them means to draw them in with their mind, make it stimulating, to draw them with your heart, to make it that it's emotionally, that they want to be part of it, and maybe even more, draw them to you, bring them close to you. Moshe is to draw them to you, mind, heart, and actually close. Maybe take the children, give them a hug. You know, there's a minhag in many homes, Birchas Kohanim. The father benches a child. Some do it Friday nights, some do it Pesach by night also. Why? To hug the children, bring them to you. The only way a child will learn is if he feels the love, the embrace, the warmth of a parent. I can't tell you how crucial this is. People think that they're going to prove their way of thinking on their child. That's never going to work. Children think differently than parents. The way to get a child is through a hug. The way to get a child is with love. Bring them to you. Yaakov Avinu, when he gave a bracha to his grandchildren, what did he do? Kachem na elai. You know, rabosai. If you only knew the lessons that I'm teaching you, if you only understood the present that I'm giving you by understanding the mechanics, what makes chinuch. You see it from Yaakov Avinu: Kachenah, a lie, v'ani avorchenu, bring him to me. Let me embrace them. Hagadah, moshech, draw them to you. It's not enough to draw them to you in the mind by telling them, keeping them stimulated. Yes, children, if you don't stimulate them, I see that I might have to do some stimulation here tonight as well. I'm up for the task. I can do it. I can wake you guys up in a minute. You hear? Stimulate the mind. Stimulate the heart, and actually be moshech the child, bring him to you. And with hagadah, you'll be able to do it. Let me tell you another lesson clearly learned from the hagadah about chinuch. By example, you want a child to learn something that you want to teach him, teach him by example.

You could talk from today till tomorrow. If you show an example, he's going to learn the lesson. Where is this lesson in the Haggadah? I'll tell you. Let me give you a little history lesson. In the times of the Shoftim, there was a shofet. His name was Gideon. How did Gideon become a shofet? Was he a tremendous talmud chacham? Was he the greatest of all the people in his generation? The Gemara tells us he was not. So why was he chosen? It was Pesach morning. Chazal tell us it was Pesach morning, the morning after the Seder. A malach comes to Gideon, and he appears, and he says, I'm a malach, I'm an angel. Says Gideon, You're an angel? I have a question for you. Where are all the miracles that Hashem performed for His nation? Why are Jews suffering? Why are we under the hand of the Plishtim? I need to have an answer to this question. Please address this question. Speak in front of the Ribono Shel Olam. Ribono Shel Olam, ayeh kol nifl'osav? Where are all the miracles? You took Jews out of Mitzrayim. You love them. You did for them. You abandoned them? Ayeh, where are all the miracles? says Rashi. Last night was Pesach. Gideon is telling... Last night was Pesach. Emesh hikrani avi. I saw my father read the Haggadah, where it says in the Haggadah, B'tzeis Yisrael miMitzrayim. So I'm asking, where is B'tzeis Yisrael miMitzrayim? And because of this, he becomes a shayfet. Hashem says, I love Jews that speak sanegoria, that speak good about Klal Yisrael in their defense. May I take a minute just to point out, you want that Hashem should love what you say and do? Speak good things about Klal Yisrael. Don't look at bad. Don't say, Oh, this thing. Jews are good people. We're a devoted people. Part of the Seder, we should realize how much we suffered in Mitzrayim, yet we were loyal to HaKadosh Baruch Hu. You realize how loyal we are. No other nation would have this loyalty. We went through Holocaust. We come back and we learn and daven. Other galus in Russia, everyone went through his own galus, his own exile. We are loyal, and we stand strong. Speak good of Jews. Sanegoria. Hashem wants that we say good things about Jews. But now let us get back to the Rashi. Tell me, how old was Gidon that he became a shayfet? Let's see. How old do you think this Gidon was that he became a shayfet? No? He couldn't have been a child. He was a grown-up. He was about 37. So a 37-year-old has to say, All I know about Egypt, I know about— I'm a tryer, because my father at the Pesach Seder— But you don't know your own— Okay, I get it. Chazal say he was not a big talmid chacham. But basics, Kriyas Shema every day, Kriyas Shema, we say, Zecher l'yetzias Mitzrayim, Hashem took you out of Mitzrayim. So he needs to quote that he saw it last night by the Pesach Seder by his father? Says Rabbi Yerucham the Mashgiach, the Mashgiach of the Mir, yes, emunah is the night of the Seder, the way the father conducts himself. That's where you're going to instill emunah in a child. The great gidol, the great shoifet, how does he become a shoifet? Because he speaks good and witty, learned all this? The Pesach Seder. Mashgiach of Lakewood Yeshiva pointed out, it doesn't even say my father told me. It says, Emesh he krani, he read. He read the Haggadah. He never even told me the story, and that's why I know it? How do I know?

The way he read the Hallel, he had emotion. He had feelings. It left an impression on the child. You want to leave an impression on your child. The night of the Seder is the format, how you conduct yourself, how happy you are. You know, I get it. Not easy, the night of the Seder. The Haggadah, the matzahs. People have a hard time. It's hard to sit through it all, right? How you conduct yourself by the Seder. How you conduct yourself by the Seder. Are you upbeat? Are you excited? Or do you look at the Seder and say, Oh gosh, it's so... how much more? Huh? No? Why are you laughing? I guess it's striking a chord. By the way, I see that some of you guys are doing that during my shiur as well. Oh my gosh, how much longer is he going to go on for? So the answer is, At shehigiu talmidim ve'amru, higia zman Kriat Shema shel Shacharis. No, okay, not that much, but chatzos. All right? Okay, good? Okay. If you walk around by the Seder and go, Oh my gosh, when is this over? And if I come and I say, Oh, how much more do I have to read? You know what you're showing your children? Boredom. The whole thing is about, Oh my gosh, the oil. It's a yoke on me to do this. It's not easy. I'm not interested. It's boring. Rav Moshe Feinstein, b'resheshiva zatzal, Rav Moshe Feinstein said, You know why American Jewry, there was a lot of children that went off the derech. You know why a lot of the children didn't follow in what was the lineage of their parents? He said because American parents had a very hard time being Jewish. They had a hard time because of Shabbos. Every Shabbos they would lose their job. You know what parents would come home and say? Oy vey, oy, it's so schwer. It's so difficult to be a Jew. Said Rav Moshe, when children hear that, they say, You know what? Let's drop it. You need to show the night of the Seder, Atah chartanu mikol ha'amim, how happy, how proud I am to be a Jew, how lucky I am that Hashem, You gave me the mitzvahs, that You let me eat matzah. Higianu lalaylah hazeh le'echol bo matzah u'maror. I'm privileged. I'm privileged to be a Jew. I'm privileged to eat matzah. I'm privileged. Your children will learn from that. That will have an effect on your children more than hundreds of speeches from hundreds of different aggados. People come to the Seder nice. It's nothing wrong, but they have packed... Packs of papers of all different the pshatim and the gematriyos, all good. But you want to, in Hebrew they say, kolel ha-matarah. Is there a good word? Bullseye, the target. You want to get the target? Show Atah vechartanu. Hashem, thank you. Thank you for giving me the privilege to sit at a seder. And then the children will feel that, and they'll have chinuch of what it means to be a Jew, which is the target that we're looking. We're trying to get to teach that a Yid should be a Yid, a Jew, what it means to be a Jew the night of the seder. What happens if our children don't want to listen? They call them today with a name. Sadly enough, it almost has its own organization: Kids at Risk. The children don't want. They're rebelling. Some worse, some not as bad. It's very hard to get the children to do, to keep, to want to be in a yeshiva. Greatest thing you could do for your children, rabosai. What is the greatest thing you could do for your children?

Send them to yeshiva. Send them to yeshiva. Not all the kids want. Not all the kids are interested. They might keep mitzvahs, but yet you can't get them to have interest. The Haggadah addresses that as well. Rabosai, come with me on a tour. You ready? What do we do with the child that doesn't want? Till now we talked about the child that's interested. What happens when the child is not interested? Okay. Let me tell you over something which is so beautiful. In the Haggadah, we have the child. Unfortunately, he's called the rasha, that looks at the whole Pesach Seder and he says, What are you doing? This is outdated. What's the point? What do you have from it? He's not interested. The child is addressed both in the Haggadah, which is really a pasuk. The pasuk says, V'haya ki yomru aleichem bneichem, Mah ha'avodah hazos lachem? What are you doing? It's archaic. What are you matzahs and maror? Come on, get with the program. What are you talking about? What are you doing? What are you bothering me for? V'amartem, you say to them, Zevach Pesach hu laShem asher pasach al batei Bnei Yisrael, and you address and you answer him, and you bring him into the conversation. Now listen, rabboisai, what the pasuk says. When Moshe Rabbeinu was told this, standing together with Aharon, Vayikod ha'am vayishtachu. The people bowed down to Hashem when they heard this addressing of the rasha. When we address the rasha the night of the Seder, you will one day address such children. The pasuk says, Vayikod ha'am vayishtachu. They bowed. Says Rashi, who are they bowing? Why are they bowing? Says Rashi, al besuras hageulah uvias haaretz uvesuras habanim, the fact that you'll have children. Now pay attention. If Hashem is telling you that one day your children will ask and you will answer, what is that telling us? That you will have children. If Hashem tells you, you'll tell your child, so he's getting a bracha and haftacha, right, that he'll have a child. The people bowed down for that. The question is, which child are we talking about? Is this the child, the chacham? Why should they bow down when they heard they'll have a child, the chacham, a tzaddik? Why are they bowing? No, finish it with me, rabboisai. By the rasha. You know, the whole shiur is worth it just for you. You know that? This is, for me, the biggest oneg to be able to address a boy that wants to learn. It's my life. I give my whole, Ribono Shel Olam, to teach. I'm one of your children that wants to learn. I'm ready to teach. Vigadta l'vincha. They should bow down when they heard about the chacham. Why do they bow in praise of Hashem by the ben harasha? And what's the answer? Even for him, you need to thank Hashem. You need to show him you're not frustrated. You're not bitter that he doesn't want. You love him, just like you love the chacham, just like you love the she'eino yodea lishol. The ben harasha is special to you too. We have this bad habit that when children don't listen to us, we push them aside. We can't deal with them. We show them we're angry at them. We ignore them. We give them the silent treatment, and so on and so forth. What are we learning in the pasuk is the right geshmak, the right approach. Nu, rabosai, finish it with me. Vayikod ha'am vayishtachu. You bow and thank Hashem, and you show appreciation.

Appreciation, even for the frustrating and challenging child. Frustrated? Yes, but thankful, and he must see that. V'hayah ki yomru aleichem bneichem. It will be when your children tell you. Tell me, does anyone here know the difference between vayehi and v'hayah? Okay, that's the translation. What about happy or not happy times? Vayehi is always bad times. Vayehi bimei Achashverosh. V'hayah is always? V'hayah ki yomru. Happy when the child asks. He's the rasha. He's mocking. And what's the answer? Simcha. Show him happy. I'm happy you're asking. I'm happy that you're asking. You're sitting by the Seder. Thank you. Build him up. Tell him, You're good. V'hayah. Yes, it's the rasha that's talking, but it's still what? Nu? And therefore what do you have to—v'hayah. You have to show, not bitter. V'hayah, you have to show that you're happy. Now listen more, rabosai. V'amartem. What does v'amartem mean? Talk to him. Don't ignore him. The rasha, v'amartem, talk to him. And if you notice, it says double, v'amartem, to who? Mother and father. Engage him. Show maybe more. He needs more attention, not less attention. Vomarta, Father, you answer. No, vamartem. Maybe father and mother. Maybe he needs more, not less. Now, rabosai, let me tell you something which is important. How do we respond to the rasha? Hakeh? I'm sure everyone's smiling, they all know, yeah, I'm papa, right? I created you, right? We know, right? We know how it works, right? Tell me, does anybody know the translation of the word hakeh? It does not mean to hit, chas v'shalom. Violence is not a method of chinuch. Hakeh means what? Okay, we're going to have some Hebrew lesson here. Ready? No, the olam's not okaya, I could go. The olam's taught? Yeah, no. Okay, everyone's picking up their heads. Okay. You ready? Hakeh, to hit is what? With a chaf. Hakeh, to hit is with a chaf. No Haggadah has the word hakeh with a chaf. The word hakeh is with a kuf. You know what it means? Rebuttal. Stop him short. Don't let him continue. Engage him. Never, never, never is it through fear. Never is chinuch a lesson taught. Never could you influence. Never do you gain anything if it's done through force, if it's done through fear. I'm going to tell you something beautiful, and if you just heard this pshat, it was kedai, it was worth coming tonight. You ready? People ask me, what is the number one ingredient that's needed for chinuch? And the answer is build up his self-esteem. Don't break the child, build the child. Don't break the child, build the child. I can't stress this enough. The more you bust up a child, and the more you rebuke him, the more shattered pieces you'll have later that you won't be able to put it back together again. You need to build him up. You need to show him how special he is. And I'll show you where this is open and clear in the Haggadah. The child that can't ask, what is he called? She'eino yodea lish'ol. Tell me, did you ever hear of Reb Shlomo Alkabetz? He's the author of the Lecha Dodi, and he wrote many classic things and many classic mefarshim and sefarim. He says such an insightful pshat in this piece of the Haggadah. Is the child an eino yodea? Is the child, he doesn't know? It doesn't say he doesn't know. What does it say? Nu, finish it. Eino yodea lish'ol. He doesn't know how to...

Ask. Just say he doesn't know. He's shy. You see? Now I have two boys. All of you could go home if you want to, as long as you leave me these two boys, I'm good. Three of them, and the father. Okay, you got to stay. You got to take them home. Okay, good. Yeah? I'm your friend. You hear? This is who I'm talking to. You ready? Vigadta l'vincha. Talk to the children. Listen good, rabosai, listen good. She'eini yodea lishol. He should say he doesn't know anything. What do you mean he doesn't know to ask? And the answer is, he knows, but he can't ask because he's what? He's shy. Don't forget, he has a brother, a chacham. He doesn't stand a candle towards the brother, the chacham. He has a brother, a rasha, that's making fun of him behind his back, making funny faces, that he's asking on the Haggadah. So he's shy. So what is the solution? says Reb Shlomo Alkabetz: At p'sach lo. What does at p'sach lo mean? P'sach, open him up. Rabosai, I just gave you one of the most beautiful pshatim on the Haggadah. At p'sach lo. Take the child that's closed, including the phone, and open him up. P'sach lo, open him up. He's closed. He's scared. He's shy. Build up his courage. Build up his self-esteem. Now why is it at? Why at? Let me tell you the role of the father and the role of the mother. Ladies, I talk to you from behind the mechitza. What is a father's role in the home, and what is a mother's role? A father is musar avicha. It's to rebuke. What is a mother's role? To uplift. A mother's role is to build up the child, to support him. Pasuk says, Ki ish asher tenachamenu imo, kein anochi enachemchem. What is a mother? A mother is nechama, is to console the child, is to uplift the child. A father rebukes. A mother lifts up the child. Ki ish asher tenachamenu imo. But a mother builds up a child when he needs the chizuk. At, the mother, b'sachlo. The child needs to be open. The child needs self-esteem. Mother, mother step in. I want to tell you a beautiful thing that I heard from the Chazon Ish. I see the oilam's a little edgy. How much more time do I have? Two hours, three hours? How much more time do I have? Three hours? The oilam will sit here with me? Okay, so listen carefully, rabosai. Reb Yaakov Kamenetsky zatzal said something interesting about chinuch. He said, if you notice, a father, when he's not home, what is a mother going to threaten the child? You just wait till your father comes home. Right? We've all heard that in the past, right? Says Reb Yaakov, never should a mother say, You just wait till your father comes home and he'll give it to you, because out of the lips of a mother should never be uttered punishment. What you say is, You just wait till your father comes home and he'll do what he has to do. And you'll understand on your own what that means, each community to its own, okay? Ma mevin yavin. The point being, the point being, Reb Yaakov understood that a mother represents kind, kind words, uplifting words, and never should a child view his mother as a critical, as something which is strong, which is something which is giving you mussar. So even if the mother has to speak about the father coming home, he comes home and he'll do what he has to do. Now, I'm not telling you that you got to do this. It's a pretty strong lesson in chinuch, but the concept is there, and what this, I think, is the pshat: at, at, פסח לו.

Mother. That's the tafkid of the mother. I also want to point out how important it is: positive encouragement, not negativity, positive. A home where everything in the home is positive, to build, to lift, it works. I saw a beautiful story from the Chazon Ish. Somebody once brought a child to the Chazon Ish and said, We're going to make a bris on Shabbos, no eruv. What do we do? How are we going to get the utensils for the milah? It's a big topic in halacha. May I ask the child to carry it? Old story. Everybody thinks, if he's a child, no problem. You're allowed to ask a child to do whatever you want. It's not true, rabosai. And if you do that, you're teaching your child what Shabbos really is not that important. It's very, very, in halacha, clear. It's not what we think. Oh yeah, it's only a kid, let him do it. But listen how the Chazon Ish responded to the person. Says Chazon Ish, What's your question? You want the child to carry on Shabbos? I understand you. Bris milah, I get it. Rebbetzin, bring me a candy from the kitchen. He asks his wife to bring a candy from the kitchen. He gives the candy to the child, and he says, Make a bracha. Make a bracha. The child makes a bracha. He turns to the father and the people standing, he says, That's chinuch. We teach our children sweetly to make brachos and not rebuking them and forcing them about chilul Shabbos. You hear the depth. I think the Chazon Ish saw a certain callousness. Oh, he's my son, he's a child. We teach children to make brachos with candies. So we're going to talk about the seder, the present that the child asks for after the afikomen. Where does that come from, rabosai? Is that a Jewish custom, right? Everyone asks for an afikomen present. We're going to talk about that. But the lesson: teach your child the positive, to make brachos. We don't teach our children. So again, we could have said it straight: Chol Shabbos! How you talking? That's not how the Chazon Ish gave the message. How did he give the message? With a candy and a lesson. Teach him the positive, to make brachos. Don't teach him negativity. Let's address a little bit the presents that children ask for at the seder. It's a big topic. First of all, let us begin: stealing the afikomen. Many say there is no mekor, stealing of an afikomen. The Gemara says chotfin matzos. We grab the matzos. It doesn't mean stealing. It means that we quickly take from one to the other, and we make a commotion so the children say, What is the commotion? You're giving the matzos quickly. Others say that this is the mekor where it comes from, that they steal the afikomen. Tell me, in your community, the minhag is to steal the afikomen? Yes, everybody's shaking their head, but I hope it's only the afikoymen, right? We're clear about, right? Okay, now I want to be clear about another thing. Many hold that you should not call it stealing the afikoymen. Reb Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, zicher tzaddik livrachah, said, I have great hitnagdut for the fact that they call it steal. Don't talk to your kids and talk about stealing. You need to talk to them about maybe trying to get the matzos, but stealing? We're going to discuss where the minhag, the custom, came from. But let me tell you another interesting thing. Let's say he steals the afikoymen, and again, let's take out the word stealing, and he comes back and he asks for a present, and the present is so big, you can't give it to him. Imagine a little kid comes back, 'Tat, I want a BMW.' Well, what are you going to do then, right? I see this guy has his mind to ask that. No, no, no, your father's going to tell you. It's a good idea. So what is your father going to tell you? The halacha is that the father's allowed to say, 'Stay with your afikoymen. I should give this away? Oy vey, am I ruining the—'

I have my own afikaymen. Afikaymen can be any matzah. I don't need what you grated from underneath. And the game I play in my house, my kids know this, that's not the real one. I play the not-that's-not-the-real-one afikaymen, okay? Actually, what you took was the decoy. And I play this game, and I usually come out on top. You know why? Because I'm the one that has to pay for the present. So I usually come out on top. I have it all figured out, all right? Now the question is, what are the lessons to be taken from this, I think, too? Yes, we want the kids to be interested, but in what? Do we teach children to steal, to do things that are wrong, to keep them interested? You know, rabosai, internet and phones is not a good—it's not a good thing to keep children interested and make them happy. People say, Well, make them happy, give them— Just because we want them to be happy, but there's—we got to put gedarim, we got to put fences. Don't talk about stealing in afikaymen just because we want you to be up at night on the Seder. The word stealing, it'll have a message, subliminally, subliminal message. Could you imagine the subliminal and maybe outright messages that we supply our children when we give them the phones and the technology? Imagine a kid who comes home, he asks for a game where it's killing and shooting, and what do you expect? I mean, you expect the child, it shouldn't have some effect? We could talk more about this maybe a different time, but the point being— The lessons, the lessons are, even if we want kids to be entertained and involved, and we want to give them gifts, what do we give them? It has to have boundaries, not whatever you want you could get. Yet I'd like to discuss the afikomen and the afikomen present in a greater length. The night of the Seder is all about the children. I think at this point we've pretty much discussed and proven Seder is children. There's a symbolism, a symbolic, a deeper meaning to children and Seder. Yes, it's about our children that we gave birth to, correct. But we are also banim laShem. We are the children of the Ribono Shel Olam. Night of the Seder is about connecting fathers and children, we and HaKadosh Baruch Hu, our Father. It's also, in the sefarim, a big underlying lesson and integral part of the Seder. Anachnu banim laKadosh Baruch Hu. We're Hashem's children. We want to connect with Hashem, our Father. The Seder is the time where Jews, as children, connect to their Father. The minhag of giving presents, I want to tell you something interesting. The night of the Seder, as we say, is not only child-father, but it's child-us with Hashem. What is geulah? The pasuk says, V'heishiv—finish the pasuk to me—V'heishiv... Lev avos al banim, v'lev banim al avosam. You know what geulah is? Redemption. Redemption is when fathers and children reunite and connect in their hearts. V'heishiv lev avos. So the night of the Seder, we reconnect with our children, the ones we gave birth to, and we also reconnect, what? Lev avos avinu shebashamayim, and we, the children. Sefarim write, v'higadta l'vincha. Trisker Maggid, what is v'higadta l'vincha? You need to reconnect to the bincha that you are to Hashem. You are ben laShem. V'higadta. Connect to that. The Chassidus literature, the v'higadta l'vincha takes on a greater meaning than just the child in front of you, but it's the banim, the fact that we are banim laShem. It says, Trisker Maggid, v'higadta? What are you connecting to? The fact that you're bincha of HaKadosh Baruch Hu. Reconnect to your neshama that's calling out, Abba, Tate.

The Mishnah says that before the manishtanah, Kan. Nu, does anybody remember the Mishnah? Kan haben sho'el. Here the child asks. He's asking what? Nu, manishtanah. Chassidishe sefarim, all of them bring down a concept: Kan, haben, us, we are banim laShem, sho'el. We can ask for whatever you want from Hashem. Did you hear, rabosai, what I just told you? Kan haben sho'el. Here the child asks. He's asking who? The father. Who's the father? Hashem, HaKadosh Baruch Hu. It's a time where we can ask Hashem. What should we ask Hashem for? Yismach Yisrael says we have to ask geulah. Tonight is the night. Redemption, we ask Hashem. We're in galus. L'shanah habaah. And that is Kan haben sho'el. This is what you should ask for. Beis Aharon Stolin. There's the Beis Aharon, my great-grandfather, and there's also Beis Aharon Stolin. Stoliner Rebbe says not only do we ask for geulah, but you could even ask for all needs that you have in ruchniyus, spiritual. A lot of times a person wants to learn, daven, and it's coming hard. He can ask HaKadosh Baruch Hu, Kan haben, the child says, Ribbono Shel Olam, help me. We all know a father you could turn to. This is the point. At this point, Kan haben sho'el for what? For ruchniyus. Lev simchov ger. Anything. You can ask for anything you want. It doesn't have to be ruchniyus. It could be even for gashmiyut. Now, you guys, chaver, you should be excited with this. I'm giving you, I'm giving you an open check for brachot. Let's go, no? You listening? Right before Ma nishtanah, what do you ask for? You can ask. Kan, here, a ben shoyel. What are you asking for? Some say ask for the geulah. Some say ask for ruchniyut. I want to learn more, daven more. Others say, what do I ask for? All yeshuos and refuos. The night, sharei nisim, and yeshuos are open. It's the night that we talk about all the miracles. That's what Gidon said, right? Ayeh kol niflo'osav? It's a night of miracles. The Tferes Shlomo, the Radomsker, says a meyridige chiddush: Kan haben sho'el. You can ask for children. Not kan haben kama sho'el, but kan, no, haben sho'el. You can ask for children. You know where this really comes from? It's in the words of the Aruch HaShulchan HaKadosh. In the Chumash, on the pasuk V'gadato l'vincha, says the Aruch HaShulchan HaKadosh, V'efshar oid yirmoz b'v'agadto l'vincha, shemiyaged haHaggadah, ha'amuro, yizkehu Hashem sheyagid livno. V'gadato, he'll say it. You see clearly. Child, I ask Hashem, give me a child so I can do the mitzvah. Remember Rashi? Rashi, I told you, says that they bowed down, וַתִּפְרֹץ הָעֲקָרָה, that here they heard they'll have children. So what does he got to do? Here is the place to ask Hashem for good children. For children, the Tferesh Laim even says, according to many, in Akedas Yitzchak, Alexander, Alexander Rebbe explains, you can ask for good children. Not only can you ask for children, but you can ask for good children. Here, rabosai, I told you a secret bracha. You ready? The night of the Seder, before Ma Nishtana, you can ask for geulah. You can ask for ruchniyus, spiritual things. You can ask for physical things. You can ask for what? For children and for good children. Okay. Now let's understand the afikoman. We're just about ready to finish. You ready? Okay, we're just about ready to finish, tzaddik. Yeah? We're just about ready to finish. You're tired of sitting. What do you think I am? I'm also tired of sitting, but I do it anyway. You hear?

So listen carefully, rabosai. Why are we bichlal stealing the afikoman? No? Okay, you ready? The night of the Seder is the night that Yaakov steals the brachos from Esav. It was the night of the Seder. The shtei gedoyim, right? Okay, this is brought down in Seder Aruch, Minchas Elazar, Reb Leo HaTamri, b'shem zaken echad, that we steal the afikoman, the prize. The prize. What is the prize? The brachos. And maybe that's why we give presents, because what? No? The brachos. We got blessings, and v'kanah ben shoel, we can... That's the idea of the afikoman present. The night of the Seder is really what? A bigger picture of the child us with HaKadosh Baruch Hu. Whatever the child asks for, we give it to him. Why? Because Hashem does the same with us. As children of HaKadosh Baruch Hu, we can ask whatever we want, and you know what the Ribono Shel Olam says? There's nothing too big, and there's nothing too expensive. You're going to get what you asked for. The father has to say, Listen, I have to work out my bank account, but the Ribono Shel Olam's bank account is endless. So the night of the Seder, it's the children. It's all about the children. The ones that we have, that Hashem gave us, that we were zoche to have, but it's also about us. Banim atem laHashem. We are the children of HaKadosh Baruch Hu, and we ask Hashem, Apsach li. Chasam Sofer explains, Build us up. Apsach, Ribono Shel Olam, You, at, in Kabbalah in Zohar, Hashem. You know the word, every time it says at, it's also a symbol for HaKadosh Baruch Hu. The night of the Seder is v'higadta l'vincha, to connect to the children. But it's also we, the children, are connecting to who? To Hashem. You should be gebentsht. You should have bonim uvnei bonim. You don't know how happy you made me. I said this shiur and you understood every word, huh? No? Ayin galeh. You should understand every word and listen to every word. V'shitakeh bizoche, banim uvnei bonim, oiskim baTorah uv'mitzvos, biyas goel tzedek bimheirah b'yameinu, amen. Amen. You've just experienced another Torah class, brought to you by TorahAnytime.com.