Shidduchim and Tefillah: Trusting Hashem Beyond Hishtadlus

Transcript

This Torah class is brought to you by TorahAnytime.com. I'd like to discuss today a very relevant topic. It touches all of us in one way or another. It's what they call today the shidduch crisis. Some are looking for shidduchim for themselves, and some for their children, and some for relatives. And it's a parsha, parsha, and everyone finds difficulty in this parsha. I'd like to discuss, probably if we had to discuss solutions, we could be here for more than the allotted time of the shiur. I'd like to point out one solution which is guaranteed. It's patuach. It's a definite solution. Lots of talk in recent years. What's the eitzah? What's the advice, and what's the mahalach, and how could we overcome the problems? So much pen and paper was devoted to the topic. It's on every week in the newspapers. It's full with this shaila, shidduch crisis, the shidduch crisis. I'm not here to solve the shidduch crisis, nor am I here to make a forum on the topic. But I'd like to be magdim a story, a story that I heard from my rebbe, ... Shustal. He said over that Reb Elchonon's father-in-law, Reb Meir Atlas, Reb Elchonon quotes him a few times in Kovetz Shiurim and in a greise talmid chacham, a chashuve mensh. He was once amongst a gathering, an asifas rabbanim, and rav after rav and speaker after speaker got up and gave solutions to the quote-unquote, the problems of the day in Klal Yisrael, the problems. No, each one touched on a very important topic, and each one came up with a brilliant solution. When Reb Meir Atlas's turn came to speak, he got up and he said, Rabosai, I want to be matzia a takanah. Well, what's the takanah? Bizol menlish druken kein hagados. They shouldn't print any more Hagados. Everyone was looking. Was he joking? So they asked him, Rebbe, chashuve rav, we're talking about serious things, with serious problems and serious takanos and eitzes. What are you talking about, Hagados, druken kein Hagados? So he says, Hear zikh tsu, I'll answer you. Everything I heard today, the problems are real, and the takanos and solutions are very great and big. But you never know. Sometimes the solution is not necessarily the answer. Sometimes there's more kilkul that can come than tikkun. You know, it's not so simple when you make takanos. If you go down the right road, who knows? It's complicated. Al be'ein zachis klar, vos ich bin matzia haynt, kein problemen ken nisht aroyskumen fun dem. Nothing good could come out of it. It's a guaranteed takanah. What was his point? He obviously didn't care if you derukh mehagades. That wasn't his point. His point was, some things—actually most things—are very complicated. One thing is simple. HaGados Kemereden. You know, there's certain things which are beyond reproach, beyond complication, and he was trying to be meramez the olam: you're not going to solve all the problems, and there's no one solution and there's no guaranteed eitzah for problems. Yet, I'd like to be matzia a guaranteed eitzah for the problem of the crisis of shidduchim, and that is something which—

It's dafke, rabbeisai. Tefillah, tefillah, tefillah, and tefillah. Daven. I'd like to quote you a Gemara, rabbeisai. The Gemara says in Brachos daf ches, Al zeh yispalel kol chasid eilecha l'eis metzo. A chassid zol mispalel zayn l'eis metzo. A pasuk in Tehillim lamed beis. Amar Reb Chanina, l'eis metzoi, zu ishto. Davening is for a wife. So you see, Chazal already pointed out an inyan meyuchad. A wife comes with tefillah. So he states in the Gemara, Al zeh yispalel kol chasid could have been anything: mispalel zayn of parnassah, mispalel zayn of sholom in the velt, cholim, there's so many. But Chazal singled out, yispalel — what is Dovid HaMelech referring to in Tehillim? L'eis metzoi, zu ishto. I was at a chasanah last night. Frek's gut, nasi, frek's gut. I was at a chasanah last night. Maybe that's why the topic came into my head, but that's not the reason. The reason is because I hear too much. I get the phone calls and the parents and the broken hearts of parents. I don't have answers, but I have one answer: what Chazal tell us. And I was at the chasanah last night. Reb Shmuel Kamenetsky shlita, he was the mesader kiddushin, it was his talmid. And I asked him, a shashiva, why is shidduch miyuchad tefillah? Why did Chazal point out shidduch, not tefillah, l'eis metzoi? And he answered me, ... a shidduch, it's a person's whole life. He gets married, that's his life. Everything in his life revolves around l'eis metzoi zo isha. So Chazal understood, such an important part of life, it's muzan tefillah. Good. Talmid, I'm not a talmid from Yedei Yisrael. I don't know more than what they tell me. I was mekabel, but I felt efsher kemen zogen, dafke zogen a shidduch. I felt efsher kemen zogen a bissel mehr. I saw an interesting Medrash, a gevaldige Medrash. The Medrash says in Bereishis, samech-ches, daled, Bereishis Rabbah, samech-ches daled. It's a pasuk vayiten ... Tehillim, samech-ches zayin: Elokim moshiv yechidim bayisah. The Ribono Shel Olam shtelt avek yechidim, two single people in one house, motzi asirim. Everybody knows the Chazal: bikesh shoros. What does bikesh shoros mean? Mahu bikesh shoros? Bechi v'shiros. Midveinen un shirah. Verstand? Bechi mit shiros. What does it mean, bechi v'shiros? Ad bechiyah dashirah is ken doch nit zayn bechi veshirah tzamen. So the matzus kehunas is a hafla vefeldige vort, hafla, rabosai. And this could be already the opening of a shiur about Sholom Bayis. He says that some people could live in a marriage in bechi. The lashon ligmara is, man dbai oymer shirah, uman dlo bai bachi. Man dbai, if you want, some people could live in a matzav and they’re crying, a shreklach, it’s no good. And then other people beshirah, they praise the Eibishter, is that the good in them. They take out the maileh. Azoi lernt a matzav. There’s el veshidach. It’s all on how you look at it. Ein a kukt af dem bechi. Man dbai. I don’t get kluger, I de veib, and I de veib, and I de veib, and… an other guy. But another guy says, I gevaldig, Baruch Hashem. But it’s not a Sholom Bayis shiur; this is a shiur to get to the Sholom Bayis shiur. So I’ll tell you over a gevaldige gevalt in this Chazal that I saw from Rav Chatzukman, zecher tzaddik livrachah. I don’t know if the oilam is acquainted with him. Rav Chatzukman was the talmid…

Fitzchayim, tzaddik in Eretz Yisroel, Ramat Chatzukimen, alle balei mussar used to come to his door to be neheneh from his varmkeit and his hashpaah. So they printed a sefer, Lev Mordechai. And dortn zogt der rebshat: Man deboi — it's not someone who wants. Man deboi is a loshon of tefillah. Boien is a loshon of tefillah, like in Bava Kamma, tevoiun; it's a loshon of tefillah. Man deboi — דער וואס דאוונט אוים א שירה. And a davener krigt a shidduch, then the shidduch is oyme shirah. Man d'loi boi — דער וואס דאוונט נישט, בכי. The shidduch ain't. He relies on all his talents and his gadlus, whatever it is, and when er iz a zar mensch, the kallah is... bechi. Azoy zogt er. It's interesting, I found that the Pnei Menachem, for those that are Chassidish, the Chassidish oilem do echad a bissel, uponim Chassidishen harts, the Pnei Menachem wrote to his mechutn, the Menashe Klein, when they got married, tacht a chasunah to a tochter dortn, so he writes to him this pshat. He says, Mildacht zach, man deboi — kan men farteitchen man deboi a loshon of tefillah. דער וואס דאוונט, ונגייט אריין אין זיין שידוך, איז שירה. דער וואס דאוונט נישט, איז ממילא בכי. I was thinking to myself, and I found later under the sefarim, the bedender zalbe nusach. Bechi v'shirah. Hazeirim b'dimah, berinah yiktzoru. It's the gate of the Zelben Mensch. Beginning, it's sweat, and it's hard, and it's nisyonos. U'medavenen un daf lozn treren, beten der Ribono Shel Olam afsiyata d'shmaya. And the end is shirah. It's bechi koisharos, bechi v'shiros. Vos iz der taich, rabosai? Why is it that, like I said, tefillah is such an important part of finding a shidduch, the bechi? Man d'bai, it's so important az me zol davenen. Why? Why is it important to daven in a shidduch? I'll tell you a gevaldige zach, rabosai. Mitachtach, the Ribono Shel Olam tests a person in his life, and bitachon is the mahalach on how to live through life in nisyonos of chayim. It needs bitachon. A shidduch is a test of the bitachon ha'adam. We'll see a talk, we'll soon see. It's a test. Tefillah, certain things, it's not so much the hishtadlus, but it's more when a person understands it's beyond his hishtadlus. Shidduchim is one of those things, and as I'll soon explain to you, the mechanics, the mechanism of a shidduch was fard bitachon. It requires that a person go to some shidduch mit bitachon, un mimeila mit tefillah. He has to daven for it. Yerabbei sai, hey. Tishma a reid. B'koish arois, azoy s'iz pal kol chasid. Davening. Why do we have to daven for shidduch? Why? More than anything else, when the Torah says, Val mitav hobn shtarke emunah, asi fun the Ribono Shel Olam. Le'eis metzoi, megefint a shidduch. You know, people walk around, Ich hob gemacht a shidduch. I'm a humble, I'm not a big person, but I would love to change that nusach. Ich hob gemacht a shidduch. Du machst gornisht, Rabbeisai. The Ribono Shel Olam is moshiv yechidim bayisah. The Ribono Shel Olam gegeben a shidduch. Here the nusach, Ich hob gemacht a shidduch, because psychologically a person wants to think he's in control. He made a shidduch. Not making anything, Rabbeisai. Im Hashem lo yivneh bayis, shav amlu bonav boi. Certain things, it's not completely given over to the Ribono Shel Olam. It's not going to happen. A shidduch is one of those things. It's very complicated shidduchim. Moshiv yechidim. Take two people have no shaychus to each other.

Two worlds. ... It has to be. It can't be that you do. It's not something you make. So by the next shidduch, if you walk around changing the nusach, try not to blame me for it, you know. ... I'm not going to stop. I'm machen shidduchim. Aber farshtei, understand, rabbeisai, I do machs nicht kein shidduchim. And we'll soon see how this is relevant in the Chazalim. The Gemara says, it's a medrash also, Bereishis Rabbah, samech zayin daled. Matruna, Matruna asks Rabbi Yehoshua, Vos tut der Ribono Shel Olam a gantsen tog? Vos tut er? Vos tut der Ribono Shel Olam a gantsen tog? And it's misheishes yemei Bereishis, which means that the Ribono Shel Olam is active in this world in what way? From sheishes yemei Bereishis, yoshev u'mezaveg zivugim. Der Ribono Shel Olam alein sitzt un macht shidduchim. It's the pe'ulah directly from the Ribono Shel Olam, mamash only from the Ribono Shel Olam. Der Ribono Shel Olam sitzt un tut dos a gantsen tog. So, sefarim vet gebracht, a shidduch is a zeivi kriyas Yam Suf. We all know the famous Gemara: kasheh lizavgan k'kriyas Yam Suf. Once a meidel could taytch, by Kriyas Yam Suf, the Yidden did nothing. Hisyatzvu u're'u es yeshuas Hashem. Gornisht geton. Gornisht geton. Fakert. Lo yeis fakert. It says they started by Davning, and someone to say, takef, zogs gut, harablum, zogs gut, andere zogin, inyan fun tefillah, and dos is Kriyas Yam Suf. But the remez is, Moshe Rabbeinu hot gedavent, when the Ribbono Shel Olam said, I'm not so—it's not the time so much to daven. Good. To teshuvah, and the—hast a shidduch, a maskim. A chosson darf teshuvah toneich. A chosson, yeah, a chosson darf doch ton teshuvah. The father, the father, the tog, the tog fun der chasene. It's all good. I see that you know all the sheva brachos Torah, so yonts gut. Aber eizeh emes derher, the Rishonim vet gebracht that part of Kriyas Yam Suf was, you do nothing. And the Ribbono Shel Olam took out. But the Klal Yisroel was korea the Yam Suf, it gedavent, okay, but it was so much not in the inyan of hishtadlus. The hishtadlus chelek was almost nothing. Un dos is pshat, vadi Ribbono Shel Olam is arayngekumen un alts geton, un dos is der kesher tzu a shidduch, yeah. Many ask, how much hishtadlus darf men ton in a shidduch, heh? My father told me—I don't know if it's emes or it's not, but mistama, im avi amri, darf es zogns mistama emes—my father told me that the Brisker Rav was asked this question. So, you know, the Brisker Rav hot min dem gefregt, vifil hishtadlus darf men ton far a shidduch? So he's showing me already like this, pint size. That's not what I heard. What I heard was, az der Brisker Rav gezogt, Pizmi gefint es. How much hishtadlus should you do till you get it? That's how much hishtadlus you should do. He thought a little. Okay? Okay. Okay. Here, a veis. Vos meint der Brisker? So, andere amol getrakht mit the Chazon Ish, pshat in the Brisker Rav. L'choira, hishtadlus hot a chashiv, and all the fregn, what's the shiur? What is the shiur hishtadlus? Aber gezogt efsher pshat in the Brisker Rav is azoi: the gantze hishtadlus in a shidduch bichlal kein hishtadlus. Anyway, not hishtadlus. Dos heist hishtadlus? Du meinst du bist mishtadel. Looks like a guy is mekumt, megeit, mishteh. It's interesting, some people, they date, they gefint a shidduch. In ein shan, they sit, they sit for an hour, and vet der shidduch. In ein geit, reizt, mevachen, ... What's the pshat? I don't know. I'll leave it to your imagination to answer the question. I think the question is the answer already.

A veisach, there's no dinim in gedarim in hilches hishtadlus. There's kumt zach. Rabbeinu shel olam, not a big, you know, baleitza with tremendous mahalach. Rabbeinu, bincha klal. Dos is klal. Az melikt in the hand fun the Rabbeinu shel olam, vet zayn. I remember years ago, I once met a Taira chassidishe Yid. I learned by him halacha a little bit. So we were discussing the chiluk between chassidishe mahalach, the Litvishe mahalach, and shidduchim. So I told him, I mean, you can't have taanos; you have to get to know the person before you. ... Right? So he said, Ha, hagufa, ... doesn't say more than ... Good, so ... I said, Pshat ... means to know who the person is. ... We're playing hinten tzurik. We played back and forth with this. He told me a zog, which is half a gevald. He says, You know, I met my wife one hour before, and I'm the happiest person in the world. What should I tell? ... Az mevil, un melast in the hand fun the Rabbeinu shel olam. There's no shifchus. And you have to understand that. That's the point. I'm not telling anyone, l'maaseh, what they ... and each one his rebbe, and each one his rav, and each one his miyaetz. But the bottom line, the yesod is emes, rabosai. The yesod is, by shidduchim, azoi vi by Kriyas Yam Suf, ... Most of the hishtadlus that you do, you think you figured it all out. You have the ra'os klar, and then you find out, mamish, the exact opposite of what you hishtadled and what you thought and was nisgaret, ... doesn't. It has nothing. Hashidduch is from the Ribono Shel Olam, and it's not the hishtadlus. And that's the pshat in the Chazal over here, that the Ribono Shel Olam is mezaveg zivugim. The Ribono Shel Olam macht a shidduch. The Ribono Shel Olam took the shidduch. I want to tell you something interesting about this. ... that the Olam loves is the Torah. Reb Chaim Palagi — Kaf HaChaim quotes him all the time. Reb Chaim Palagi, ... Reb Chaim Palagi wrote many, many sefarim. One of his sefarim is Refuah v'Chaim, the name of the sefer. It's segulos, ... She'einos zach. It's in perek yud-beis, os ayin-zayin. He brings, like he brings כמעט from most of his sefarim, he quotes from Nachum ... hinen tzarich, mamash k'seider. Every third paragraph in that sefer is from Reb Nachum ... Reb Chaim Palagi. ... Reb Chaim brings him lahalacha k'seider. So he quotes, and as a matter of fact, Kaf HaChaim brings this from Nachum ... It's in the Kaf HaChaim on Beis. A segulah to find a shidduch is to say, Oz yashir, shiras hayam, b'kavanah. Azoi brengt. A segulah, bedukah umenusah, is to say Shiras Hayam b'kavanah. Yeah? You'll find that in the newspapers. Shirah, shirah, good, good. Aber dos, you know, ebed it's a פירוש Kaf HaChaim. It's a פירוש... it's a Reb Chaim Palagi. Okay. Reb Chaim Palagi wrote another sefer. It's called Ruach Chaim. It's on Orach Chaim. It's a peirush on Orach Chaim. If you look at the Kaf HaChaim, which every yeshiva has a Kaf HaChaim, half of the sefer is quoted from Ruach Chaim. It's mamash Ruach Chaim. Un dortn vayter, he brings from Nachman miBreslov, vayter. Nach, nach a segulah for a shidduch. What's the segulah for a shidduch? This is in Orach Chaim, Orach Chaim, Orach Chaim, tof chaf-vav, os daled. And you look at the Kaf HaChaim, it's in tof chaf-vav, se'if katan yud. What is the Rosh writes there? Az der pshat fun a segulah, what's the segulah for a shidduch? Kiddush...

Kiddush Levanah b'kavanah. You should say Kiddush Levanah b'kavanah. Take out Kaf HaChaim. Every yeshiva has a Kaf HaChaim, yeah? Take it out. Look at the Kaf HaChaim. It says over there, in taf chaf-bet, az gezogt, mit — that itself is a segulah. What's the pshat? So the pshat in Shiras Hayam is ganz geshmak. Why? Because he bases on the Medrash. He fataytshes the Medrash: man d'boi oimer shirah. If you say Shiras... huh? Saying, huh? Man d'boi — you want a shidduch? Oimer shirah. That's how he fataytshes the Medrash. You say Shiras Hayam. Ich hob a chalitah. I have no pshat. What is the pshat? What does it mean? Why is Kiddush Levanah — and I have news for you — every Likutei Sefer on Kiddush Levanah is going to quote this Kaf HaChaim. If a person says Kiddush Levanah, it's a segulah. The Bach says that, looking for a shidduch, mezalzegin shirah, mezalzegin Kiddush Levanah. Habei seivas is pshat. You know, it's an interesting thing, lavan, the greste apikoires, the greste unterveltnik, zayn shtub is geven moli glulim, to the point that even the beheimos didn't want to walk in there. ... u'makom lagmalim. The beheimos couldn't even withstand the tumah was hat geligt dortn in zayn shtub. He comes to shidduch, vos hot er gezogt? MeHashem yotza hadavar. The meforshim ask, what's the pshat? Vi kumt es az a roshe, az a apikores, Hashem iz a retter. And the pshat, the meforshim say, is a shita chisaron barul, the yad Hashem, that even a zaa mensh that doesn't want to see, has to be moideh, meHashem yatza hadavar. When we had Shiras Hayam, every person pointed with his finger and he said, Zeh Keili v'anvehu. All the umos ha'olam, what did they hear? They heard Kriyas Yam Suf. Yisro, Attah yadati ki gadol Hashem... Vaiter, Shiras Hayam, the Kriyas Yam Suf, yeah? Yesod of shirah, zeh Keili v'anvehu, chas v'shalom. There is no other explanation. U'meileh az mizog Shiras Hayam, Rabbeisai, shlaft nisht. Az mizog Shiras Hayam, aveknuf echad mitn shir. Az mizog Shiras Hayam... See, all magidei shiurim tell the oilam to close the phone, aber dem magid shiur alein fargesst. Mamachar rishon l'sheini kol zechus shetavo l'yado. Akl panim, Rabbeisai, yet. Zeh Keili v'anvehu. Now, Hashem yotza hadavar. You could point with the finger. Now what does that have to do with Kiddush Levana? Habeisai, you ready for a meirdike pshat? The Eibishter gate was mezaken, you hold it's emes lamito. Ready? Habeisai, you ready? Ha Gemara in Sanhedrin. Zogt the Gemara in Sanhedrin: Kol hamevarech al hachodesh bizmano, mem-beis u'mem-alef, kol hamevarech al hachodesh bizmano, ki'ilu mekabel pnei haShechinah. Nu, ksiv hacha, hachodesh hazeh lachem, uksiv hasam ze Keli v'anvehu. Nu, rabosai, geshmak. Nu, it's brought down in halacha, the Rambam says it's mekabel pnei haShechinah. In perek yud, halacha yud-zayin in Hilchos Brachos, the Rambam brings down, therefore you have to stand. Why do we stand by Kiddush Levana? Because it's mekabel pnei haShechinah. The Biur Halacha in taf-kaf-vav explains, the Rav Matzliach Mevarech, brought most Rishonim, quoting a Mishnah Berurah. Mishnah Berurah brings down, well, you see that the Ribbono Shel Olam developed.

That's where you see it in the consolations, and the levan is so clear. It's so clear that the Ribono Shel Olam runs the briah, and you could point. ... Ma Hashem ... is a shidduch that the Ribono Shel Olam fit together. Shidduch. That's shidduchim. Ribono Shel Olam fit together. So let's get back, ... to the pshat. Hishtadlus, yes, and all the good advice for a shidduch, ... Has mevil zen the Ribono Shel Olam in the shidduch, and miz mispalel, knowing that it's only in the hands of the Ribono Shel Olam to do it, ... from the Ribono Shel Olam. This is the eitzah bedukah umenusah for shidduchim. I'm not saying that all the other things are not good advice. I'm not saying. But you have to understand that it's in the hands of the Ribono Shel Olam, and does that give me chizuk for all those that are going through difficulties in shidduchim. I asked yesterday Rav Shmuel if he holds of all the forums for shidduchim crisis. I asked him. I know it's a loaded question, so take it the way it—take it for what it is. Like I said, we don't mean to knock the advice, but to give a... And he looked and he goes, made a face. Daven, daven, daven, daven, daven, daven, he said a few times, daven, daven, daven. Found today a sefer that came out from Reb Elyashiv, ... It's a miracle, ... I was able to end at 2:30. I have a sefer over here. I'm going. Rav Zilberstein asked Reb Elyashiv, girls, kvutzas banos, that they don't find shidduchim, what should they do? Reb Elyashiv answered they should daven. So Rav Zilberstein said to them, but they ta'ina they already did davening, so what should they do? אמר לה רבינו, שיתפללו עוד. אין לנו לישען אלא על אבינו שבשמים. ... with all the advice and all the chachmas, davening, and davening, and davening, and to realize it's in the hands of the Ribono Shel Olam. You've just experienced another Torah class, brought to you by TorahAnytime.com.