The Art of Tochachah: Correcting Others with Love, Dignity, and Encouragement

Transcript

This Torah class is brought to you by TorahAnytime.com. Mentioned last week that the yemei haSefirah are days of hachanah to Kabbalas HaTorah. These are days that are designated to prepare for Kabbalas HaTorah. What is the preparation? What is this hachanah that is asked of us to do? So we spoke last week a few different points, and one of the points was a Sfas Emes that says that there are 48 kinyanei haTorah, and therefore these days, which number 49, is meant to work on the kinyanei haTorah. Ai, the kinyanim are 48, and there are 49 days of Sefirah. So we spoke, Rabbeinu, Rosh Yeshivas Hatzal used to speak, that to have all the kinyanim together, that's the last kinyan, all of them together. We spoke over from the Sfas Emes that maybe it's an inyan of chazarah, to repeat. A person works on something, has to be koneh it, so to be mechazer it has to take effect. One of the kinyanim is ohev es hatochachos. It's to love tochachah, ohev, to like tochachah. To be receptive. Most people are boyeit, boyeit in toichacha. Someone rebukes them, they right away go on the defensive, and they don't accept. One of the kinyanim is to be ohev, ohev es hatoichachas, to love, to accept toichacha. Last week's parsha, Parshas Kedoshim, we had the mitzvah of toichachas, one of the mitzvos of the parsha: Hocheiach tochiach es amisecha, v'lo sisa alav cheit. People must know, rabosai, toichacha is an art. It's not an easy thing to give toichacha. Ohev es hatoichachas. Someone has to like toichacha. If it's given properly, then we have a chance that the recipient is an ohev es hatoichachas. It's a tremendous art. It's a tremendous chochmah on how to give mussar and how to give toichacha. What is the anatomy of a toichacha? There's a lot of details, rabosai, and I'd like to share with you and discuss with you today what is toichacha. There's an interesting Chazon Ish, Chazon Ish is mechadesh a chidush. Chazon Ish is on the Rambam in Hilchos De'os. Chazon Ish says that possibly there's no mitzvah or chiyuv to hate reshaim today. We all know there's a rule in the Torah: you're supposed to hate a rasha. Zogt the Chazon Ish, it doesn't apply today. Why? Because since the rasha has to be that he's doing it b'meizid, he's doing it on purpose. On purpose means he understands that it's wrong and he's doing it anyway. But since we can't be mochiach today, so there's no way to reach the rasha to explain to him that he's doing something wrong, and therefore there is no din of sinas reshaim. I quote you the lashon of the Chazon Ish: ובהגם כאן כותב דאין רשעים לשנוא אלא אחר שאינו מקבל תוכחה. When do we hate a rasha? It's only after he's not a mekabel tochecha. בסוף ספר אהבת חסד כותב בשם הגאון רב מולין, דמצוה לאהוב את הרשעים האי טעמא.

The opposite. It's a mitzvah to love the reshaim. Vheivi kein, in teshuvas Maram Lublin, ki etzleinu hu kodem tochacha, because today it's kodem tochacha. Even if you spoke and you try to reach him, it's considered as if you never spoke to him. It's before tochacha. Ki etzleinu, keivan she'ein anu yodim lehochiach, we don't know how to give tochacha, v'dainina lehu ke'anusim, and therefore all the reshaim are anusim and not mezidim. They're not meizid. Unbelievable chiddush. All the over aveirah, we can't call them over aveirah; they're not mezidim. The Gemara actually, to answer your question, it's Gemara in Erchin. Gemara in Erchin, daf tezayin amud aleph, says, Tama ani im yesh bedor hazeh mekabel tochachas. It's very hard already. In the times of already the Chachamim, Chazal already identified the problem that to communicate tochacha is difficult. And if it was said in the times of Chazal, man naimar abasrei today in our time? So let us discuss what is the right mahalach, what is the right method of giving tochacha. It's interesting, I saw a lot of chiddush on this topic from many different sefarim of the Chidah, and I'd like to share that with you. Pasuk that teaches us the mitzvah of tochacha is, Hocheach tochiach es amisecha. V'loy sisa alav cheit. Says the Chida, Nachal Kedumim, v'loy sisa alav cheit. It's trying to tell us that a person, when he gives tochacha, he has to make sure that he doesn't make it worse. V'loy sisa alav cheit. Amplify the cheit, which means there are times that the tochacha does more damage than it does good. So, hocheach tochiach, says the Chida, Nachal Kedumim, you give tochacha in a way that it's v'loy sisa alav cheit. Sisa is a lashon of haramah, of adding to the cheit. Don't make it worse. Don't expand the problem. And he talks about the topic of mutav sheyihyu shogegin v'al yihyu mezidin, which is a very important topic in halacha. When do we say that rule of mutav sheyihyu shogegin v'al yihyu mezidin? There's a big Biur Halacha in Taf-Reish Ches about it, if it's by de'oraisas or by derabbanans. It's a big topic. But the point is that you have to be secure in the tochacha, that it's doing, that it's helping and not causing more damage than good. It's a very important yesod. Sometimes a person gives tochacha, and he makes the person even a bigger choteh. The method and the style and the words you use makes the aveirah double down. To double down on his chet, says the Chida that you have to be careful. Hocheach tochiach in such a way that is v'lo tisa. Don't make it that it should be worse, lo tisa alav chet. I saw b'gra the beautiful pshat from the Toldos Yaakov Yosef. He says, what's the pshat, hocheach tochiach es amisecha? He says that's part of the tochachah. You need to convey to the person that you're giving the tochachah that it's amisecha, that you care for him. A lot of times a person gives mussar, and the feeling that he picks up is that you're trying to get him or you're trying to belittle him. Says the Toldos Yaakov Yosef, hocheach tochiach es amisecha. I actually searched a little bit, and I found that the Alshich already said this pshat, that the main nekudah is to begin, the starting point is hocheach tochiach es amisecha, is the conveying of the fact that you care for the person. But the Toldos also...

It says another point, which is very important: hecheiach, tochiach, the double lashon. The seforim see that the Gemara already in Bava Metzia daf lamed addresses the shailah of the double lashon. But the Talmud explains, hecheiach, tochiach, yourself as well. A lot of time people give mussar to others, and they really themselves are not oiska arbet in the inyan. Chazal tell us, k'sheim shemitzvah leomar davar hanishma, kach mitzvah shelo lomar davar shelo nishma. It's not only, I believe pshat in the Gemara is not only telling you how and what right do you have to give mussar, but it's teaching you how the mussar will be effective. K'sheim shemitzvah, v'achach k'sheim shelo. It's not just that a person has the right to speak only after he takes care of the issue himself, that he himself is naki, but rather it's a method on how the tochachah should be effective; otherwise it's not effective. Remember at the levayah of Rav Moshe Kamenetsky, if I'm not mistaken, I think it was Rav Nochumchik who got up to speak, and he said a beautiful story about Rav Moshe Kamenetsky, zichrono tzaddik livrachah, the Mir Rosh Yeshiva, the son of Rav Avraham Kamenetsky. He said that once Rav Moshe used to give the shiurim, the shmuzen in the yeshiva, he once walked into the beis medrash to give his daily, his weekly shmooze. As he went through the aisle of the yeshiva, there was a yungerman standing there, so he turns to the yungerman and he whispers to him a few things. There was a back and forth a little bit, a discussion. Ramoisha turned around, and he left the beis medrash, and he announced that he's not saying the shmooze today. When asked what happened, and he came in to say the shmooze, I remember it was many years ago that I heard this, and it had such an effect on me. The clarity of mussar, clarity of gedolim, the oiska arbit through the middos and the kinyanei haTorah. Listen to the following answer that Ramoisha gave. He said that when he walked in, he was going to talk about a specific topic. He met this young man, he began to talk to him, and then he realized that the topic he's talking about, he himself is not fully oiska arbit in that thing, because as the conversation went on, he saw a flaw that he himself came through in the conversation, which means he was not ready to give the mussar shmooze, to get up and speak about an inyan or a middah that he himself felt that he was not oiska arbit in. He cannot give the mussar shmooze. This is effective mussar. K'shoit atzmecha, heicheach, tochiach. It's not just the other person. Heicheach yourself, and then you can be tochiach others. So we have here ground rules, so to speak, of how someone should and could. Give proper mussar. I saw another very beautiful Chiddah, the Chiddah in Dvarim Achadim. It's the name of one of the sefarim of the Chiddah. He brings the pasuk. It's a pasuk in Mishlei, Heycheach lechacham vayeehavecha. If you're mechiach the chacham, he will like you. The pashut pshat in the pasuk is, if you're mechiach a fool, he'll hate you. But if you're mechiach a chacham, he will like you because he gains from the tochachah. Says the Chiddah a meirdige pshat, that it's also telling us how to give tochachah, and that is, Heycheach lechacham. You need to tell him that he's a chacham. Instead of discussing the aveirah and belittling the person, farkert, tell him he's a chacham. Elevate the person. Speak of his ma'alos. Remember my bubby, I guess she grew up in Russia, she must have heard...

Radn a reid from the Chofetz Chaim, from her elder zeide, Rav Meir Shapiro. Remember how she used to give tochachah? Es past dich nisht. Es past dich nisht. Bist a chazak kluger. Remember the words. She always used to say, You're so smart. Mi kumstu ton azazach? It's not—you're too smart to do it. Elevate the person instead of elevating the aveirah. Heicheach lechacham. It's not to who, but that itself already is the tochachah. Heicheach lechacham, that he is a chacham. I saw in Nachal Kedumim, the Chida says a beautiful pshat: V'lo sisa alav cheit. Don't elevate the cheit over the person. Sometimes you say, Ah, such a terrible thing you've done. V'lo sisa alav. Don't elevate on the person the cheit. Elevate the person over the cheit. V'lo sisa alav. It's a Chida, Nachal Kedumim. There's another beautiful Chida, the Chida in Dvash L'Pi. The Chida says, Heicheach tochiach, v'lo sisa alav. Don't put on him the cheit. Put it on yourself. A lot of times, you did that, you did this, and you have this chisaron. Alimusar flaggen redn musar, kretz zich. You could listen. This is a mekora, boysai, so learn the Chida. V'loysis alav, don't put the chet on him, says the Pidyon. Put it on yourself. Say, I also could use the mussar, I could also use the chizuk. You want to listen? We could do it together. You know, there's a big chacham in that. A lot of people, they take themselves out of the picture as if they're completely noki in the thing, and they push the other person to do it. If you come and say, Let's do it together. You know, you have a child. I don't know if the right mahalach is to tell your child, You did aveiros. I'm not going to tell you you should do that. I'm not going to tell you; you should tell your son, You have the same chesronos. Basically, I'm not going that far. But you could say, Let's work on it together. That's pshat v'loysiso. Let's polish it, v'nizakek. Let's polish the Chida, apply it l'maaseh. V'loysiso alav, don't make it that he needs tikkun. We all need tikkun. Let's work on it together. Let it be between the two of us. That's teichiach es amisecha. Rabosai, I want to tell you another Chida. The Chida in Bris Olam says something so interesting, which I don't know how many know, because I myself didn't know it till I saw it recently. It's tremendous chiddush. The Chida says that if I'm mochiach somebody, and that person is not mekabel the tochachah... He gets your aveiros, and you get his mitzvahs. Now we know this is true by lashon hara. We know this is true by lashon hara. It's mentioned in the Chofetz Chaim sefarim already. It's supposed to be a chovas halevavos to this matter. When you speak lashon hara about somebody, he gets your aveiros and you get his mitzvahs. Everybody's shaking their heads because they know this. I don't really know why it's that way. I've asked many Gedolei Yisrael over the years, why should he get your aveiros, you get his mitzvahs? How does it work? I once asked Reb David Feinstein, shlita, at a bris. I said, Rebbe, explain to me, what is this all about? So he said, It's very simple. You walk around telling somebody he's a baal aveirah, right? You walk around saying lashon hara about him, so you're saying that he has aveiros. Sometimes it's not even true. So therefore you get his aveiros. K'ilu you're the baal aveirah now. You try to make—it's like a kasha zomam in making him a baal aveirah. You made this guy a baal aveirah. You walk around saying bad things about him, so mimeila...

He gets your aveiros. I said, Rebbe, all right, I accept that. But how about the other part of it? Why does that person get the other person's mitzvahs? So he answered me in style, the style of Rav Dovid Shlita. He said, It's only fair. You have to trade. If you give him aveiros, he's got to give you something back in return. So he gives you the mitzvahs. Like this, you have an equal trade-off, okay? But it's an interesting chiddush that it works the same by tochachah, says the Chida, in Divash L'pi, in Bris Olam. Says the Chida, so that's pshat in the pasuk: V'lo sisa alav cheit. When you give mussar, you should make sure it's done for the right reasons. You shouldn't think, you know, I have an opportunity to drop, to dump all my chata'im. I'll go over to a guy who I know is not listening, who's a baal aveirah, and here I go, you know, Sholom Aleichem. You shouldn't do this. Hey, get out of here. Dumped all my aveiros, I got all his mitzvahs. Where did you get chiddah? Bris Olam, yeah? V'lo sisa alav cheit. You shouldn't do it for the wrong reasons. It's got to be fakert. You want on him mitzvahs. Yeah, v'lo sisa alav cheit. A person could have some kind of ulterior motive in the tochachah. I'm getting rid of all my aveiros. Says the Chida, that's the pasuk: Tochiach tochiach es amisecha, v'lo sisa alav cheit. It's got to be done for the right reasons. L'maaseh, there's a mussar in this. I don't know how many people are going to walk around giving tochachah so they could, you know, get rid of, dump their aveiros. But the point is, it has to be l'shem Shamayim. It has to be that you want to help the other person. V'lo sisa alav cheit. You don't want that he should be a baal cheit. You're not trying to convict the person. You're trying to make the person a tzaddik. You're trying to make the person a better person. And when mussar and tochachah is given with the right attitude, with conveying the right feelings and ergesh, then it's chal. Then the tochachah has its proper effect. There's a me'iri gevart from Reb Yankiv Kamenetsky, zichrono livrachah. Reb Yankiv in his emes l'Yaakov quotes a Gemara in Erchin, daf tezayin amud beis. The Gemara says, Ad heichan tochachah? How much does one have to absorb what is the shiur that he has to do tochachah? Till what level? Says the Gemara, ad hakah, even till the person hits you. If the person's going to turn around, tell him to be quiet during davening, and he turns around and he punches you in the face, which, by the way, could happen. I've seen it in action, rabosai. Ad hakah. Hamechuyiv to give him tochachah. UShmuel, amar Shmuel says that what is the shiur? How much hamechuyiv till how much? And the answer is ad klalah, not till he hits you, but till he curses you. Rabbi Yochanan amar ad nezifah, till he discommunicates with you, b'kitzur. It has to turn into a messy situation, and then you're patur. Frekt Rabbi Yankiv, we never find anywhere a mitzvah where that's the shiur, mechuyiv to do this mitzvah till the guy will beat me, till the guy will curse me. It's the only mitzvah by tochachah that we find that the shiur is till the person will turn around and then hurt me. Says Rabbi Yankiv, hameiredik yesod: it's not a shiur of how much I'm mechuyiv. I must take so much for the kiyum of this mitzvah. That's not what it is. It's not the shiur. It goes to the essence of the actual tochachah. Rabbi Yankiv quotes the Rambam, Hilchos De'os, perek vav, halachah zayin. Says the Rambam, v'yode'einu. Says the Rambam like this: Haro'eh chaveiro shechata, tzarich l'hochicho beino levein atzmo, v'yedaber lo b'nachas uvilashon rakah.

You must convey the message that you mean his toivah. Reb Azai says, Reb Yankiv, that's why if he's going to hit you, so he defeats the purpose of the tochachah. It's not pshat you're ... talmid chacham, I see a ben Torah. It's not the pshat that you're patur, yeah, till this shiur. It's not a shiur. It's the tochachah already doesn't have its effect. The whole idea is to convey, Toivah, so I love you, I care for you, I'm trying to make you a baal mitzvos. So if it leads to the fact that he's mekalel me, ... tochachah. I saw, and I'd like to share with the oilam a few more nekudos, which are, I guess, eitzos on how to do proper tochachah. Over the years, people have come to me and said, You know, I don't know when I speak to my son, or whatever the case may be, the talmid, I'm afraid. I'm afraid maybe it's just going to do more harm, more damage than good. And we spoke that if it's going to do more damage than good, better shev v'al ta'aseh. But how do you ever know? How do you know, a person, listen, you know how complicated people are. Every situation is different. Safekos. So the truth is, I don't have an answer, but I have a chinuch, which maybe could be a good piece of advice. The chinuch speaks in mitzvah reish lamed tes, the mitzvah of giving tochacha, and he speaks everything we just mentioned from the Rambam, that it has to be that it's l'toeles. And he says, k'sheim shemitzvah loy lomar davar hanishma, kach mitzvah lishtok b'makom she'ein hadavar nishma, because it could turn out to a problem, kalul l'mochiach v'lo l'toeles. But the chinuch says something interesting: ... that he should think that what? Im yehei to'eles b'davar v'lachaita, sheyochichenu. If you think maybe there is a to'eles, the tzad sofek that maybe it's a to'eles. Beautiful words of the chinuch: V'yiftach baShem, ki Hu ya'azreinu bilchamoi im sone'av, v'al yerach levavo v'lo yira, ki Hashem shomer es kol ohavav. You give tochacha and you're wondering, is it worth it? Maybe something good, but then maybe not. Yiftach baShem, if you do it l'shem Shamayim. Now, of course, the chinuch is talking about to an enemy who could hurt you, but I think we could apply it to all cases of tochacha when in doubt. Maybe something good could come from it. Yiftach baShem. It wouldn't hurt if you say a tefillah before you do it: Ribbono Shel Olam. That's the lashon that we have over there by the, Hashem, ... l'adam archei lev, u'ma Hashem ... Ribono Shel Olam, give me the right words to make it work. ... I'd like to bring out another point. Hoicheach tochiach, the double lashon. Why the double lashon? The Gemara Bava Metzia daf lamed aleph says, afilu me'ah pe'amim, even a hundred times. Pashut pshat in the Gemara is that if you have to repeat the same thing a hundred times, just keep on repeating it. Just because he didn't listen after the second or third, you got to repeat it. I may say maybe in the Gemara there lays a tremendous yesod, and that is: look for small results. Maybe that's the pshat, afilu me'ah pe'amim. A person thinks he's going to go be mochiach, and it's going to achieve—not necessarily. It might be a long-term process, a little tochacha and a little every day to chip away, afilu me'ah pe'amim. I found a beautiful story from the Chafetz Chaim, a beautiful, beautiful story from the Chafetz Chaim.

Ein chayav u'payalov. It ווערט געבראַכט that there was a maggid that felt very bad that he was going around from city to city saying drashos, and he wasn't getting the olam. He wasn't getting the olam. Yedidai beisai, you know, a good shmooze for the first two, three weeks, olam is listening and it's packed. But then, you know, after a while, Rabbi Yisrael Salanter used to say, even if the mussar is to me myself, it's for one person, to me myself, to the moichiach, sheneichit vert, it's also worth it. Teichachah is not an easy thing. You know, to be able to reach people on a constant basis and that you should live elevated and be mekabel to grow. You know, they say over from Rav Avtali Rapshitz, a meiredige zach. He once said a Shabbos teshuvah drashah. He came home, so his rebbetzin asked him, Nu, did you reach the olam? Did you get them to be misorer? So he said, I got half the olam. Half the olam was mekabel. The other half, I didn't, I couldn't move them. She said, Wow, that's a lot. That's unbelievable. What happened? That's tremendous. He said, I spoke that the ashirim should give tzedakah to the aniyim. So the aniyim were mekabel, but the ashirim weren't mekabel. So m'meila I got half the olam. Half the olam was nisorer, and half the olam was not nisorer. I reached half the olam. The ... said, Okay, but the asirim didn't. Got half the Olam. It's a tremendous chachmah to reach the whole Olam, and a lot of times people feel very bad. And sometimes people feel, Ah, what did I gain? A person wasn't mekabel. So there was a maggid that felt very bad, felt very bad that he wasn't reaching. So the Chofetz Chaim said to him beautifully. He said, Let me ask you: do you reach one or two? He says, Yeah, every shmooze I reach one or two. He says, Let me tell you: a hunter goes out to hunt. Tell me, what does he come back with? He spends a whole day, and he puts all his money into the hunting gear. So he comes back with one ze'ev, with one dove, with one ari, one lion, one bear, right, one tzvi, zakta. You also, you should be happy if you reach one Reb Dov, one Reb Aryeh, one Reb Tzvi. You should be, you should be tzufrieden, meiredik. Think little victories, little victories. When you give tochachah, don't expect that you turn everything around in one moment. I see the time, rabosai, I have two more points to bring out, which I think the oilam will appreciate very much. I think it's also important to speak about the schar, and this is, I know, a tremendous machlokes between the Baalei Mussar. Should you speak about Gehenim? Should you speak about the oynish? Should you frighten? Listen, there's a whole school of mussar that does that. As we say, I don't know today if we're holding by it. I don't know. I'm not so sure that, you know, if that world of mussar and that mahalach of tochacha works. Definitely what works is to speak about the reward that the person gets if he doesn't do the aveirah. And maybe that's pshat in the pasuk, and I'll tell you a maaseh from the Chofetz Chaim. The maaseh of the Chofetz Chaim, again, is a story about a maggid that asked that the Chofetz Chaim come to the town where he is to give mussar for Chilul Shabbos. What's the problem? The problem was that they couldn't keep their stores closed because they said that their parnassah, their parnassah, you know, the old phobia of keeping the store open on Shabbos. So the maggid said, Rebbe, ves kumen, you'll come and you'll explain to them how in their business, if they keep their business closed, it doesn't mean they're going to lose their money. Explain to them that they have other...

Ways how they can make money. So the Chofetz Chaim says, That's not my department. My department is not to explain to them how they won't lose money. That's lishma gesheft. That's for a socher to sit down and give them business advice. What is my mussar shmooze? The schar of keeping Shabbos. And if they understand that, mimeila, they'll figure out a way how to overcome this fear of the store being open on Shabbos. They'll be able to close the store. Schar, to speak about the reward, the positive. And I think that's the pshat in the pasuk, V'lo sisa alav chet. Don't bring about the chet, how sinful it is, but rather the schar. Talk about the positive, the reward, the ma'alah. You want to give a kid in your house tochachah, tell him, Look what you could do. You could finish, you could be mekabel, you can be mekayem. V'lo sisa alav chet. I also would like to point out maybe another thing in the pasuk. Tisa is a lashon of elevate. It could also mean not to scream, like tisa. A person sometimes, he gives mussar, a shreit yene man, a kvitch. The Chofetz Chaim—there's a beautiful story in the Chofetz Chaim, also in Chayei Olam. He says that there was once a maggid that had very shvach hatzlachah in his mussar shmoozen. So he came to talk to the Chofetz Chaim. The Chofetz Chaim said, How do you give your mussar? He says, What do you mean? Fire and brimstone. Shaytanikvitch, yeah. So the Chofetz Chaim said to him, I don't understand you. Tell me, when you put on tefillin, you also scream? The shrieks when the legs tefillin. It's a mitzvah. It's a mitzvah to lay tefillin, and it's a mitzvah, v'hechech tochiach es amisecha. It's a mitzvah. He doesn't say anywhere that the mitzvah has to be done with, with, with, with sharper hechech, tochiach. Just maybe that's what it means, like tisa alav. Don't exaggerate and build up and make a whole, you know, about the chet. Talk soft, talk simple. You don't have to make a whole production out of the chet. Ooh, this is קטון... earth-shattering. Hechiach, rabosai, is a loshon of proving, to be mochiach something. I believe that you gain more by talking, Hechiach, tochiach. Show him. Explain to him. That's the root word of tochacha, tochecha. That's why it doesn't say, be mochiach, tochiach. Prove him. Explain to him. Show him where he's wrong and why he's wrong, and how he could do right. And then you have the proper mitzvah of tochacha. This is one of the kinyanei haTorah, rabosai. Ehov, ohov, ohev es hatochachos. If it's done properly, your child will appreciate to hear and to listen. This will be a tremendous hachanah for Kabbalas HaTorah. You've just experienced another Torah class, brought to you by TorahAnytime.com.